You Make a Better Door than a Window

Have you ever said that to someone? I know I have. But have you noticed that it's usually for something you're only kind of half watching? Like a movie you've seen so many times you could reenact it yourself or something that's on because somebody else wanted to see it but you could really care less? If it's something you're really into, you're going to get that person's attention. For example, next Monday. The Miss America Pageant will be on and if you happen to get in my way I will take you to the floor WWF style. There will be no wasting of time with sarcastic comments.

What about from the other perspective? What if you're "the door?" You're like "Oops. I didn't mean to get in the way." Or did you? The girlfriend who is sick of watching football when everyone's hanging out so she finds herself a seat on the coffee table since..."There's nowhere else to sit." Unbeknownst to her, of course that she is in direct line from her boyfriend to the TV. Or the little kid who is craving that older sibling attention and just happens to plop in front of the video game. He didn't mean for you to lose a turn, but now that it's Game Over...do you wanna play? What about the Super Christian? Who didn't really mean to block God's light from shining, but kind of liked the attention that people gave when they finally realized how much responsibility sat on those two very humble shoulders.

I'm guilty. Of probably all of the above, though I'm not sure quite sure if I would've admitted (or even regonized) it in the moment.

Have you ever felt like something was just off kilter? And I'm not going down the "If something's missing, it's Jesus" route. I mean in a different way. You're going about your life. Sure there are stressors. Sure there are things that could be better. But everything's basically going well. Boyfriend? Check. Good job? Check. Friends? Check. Food, shelter, oxygen? Check, check, check. So what is it that's not quite right? Hmm. Enter stage left...the darkness. Because that's what happens when you shut out the light. And, yes. Now I am talking about Jesus.

A friend complimented me this morning (at least she was attempting to when it turned into more of a wake-up call) by telling me that she didn't know how I was always so happy and excited. My response? "I'm actually not...I'm faking it." Wow, Kristin. Thumbs up for giving that encouragement. And WHERE did that come from?! From the darkness. From blocking out the light of the world and forgetting that I'm supposed to be a window, not something that people have to work open. It's not something that I was intentionally doing. It's not like I sat down one day and said, "You know? I think I'm gonna take things into my own hands for a while and see how I can manage without the Lord." It just sort of shifted that way. And this morning I realized it.

Funny enough, that same old adadge fits here too. "When God closes a door, he opens a window." But He closed a door a long time ago when He took upon the sins of the world. Don't fight it, that includes yours. Then he opened a window in all of our hearts so that He could shine through and we could show the world His love and perfect character. I am supposed to reflect Him and be truly effected by that. And I used to be. I just somehow shut it out. Luckliy for me, I can do nothing to make it go away. I just got in the way.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

Because really, I make a worse door and a better window.

Looking for Nothing

Things tend to find me when I don't actually want them to.

Saturday morning, no makeup and bad hair, and I just need to run out and pick up one quick thing. It's then that I will run into an ex-boyfriend that I haven't seen in months. Waking up sick, going in to work and just trying to survive through the day. You better believe that's the day administration will choose to sit in my classroom for an hour and do a formal observation. Pay day and paying bills. Finding that I surprisingly have a few extra dollars left to once again start up my savings fund. My car will need to be serviced or I will discover a hole in the only pair of pants that fit me. Things tend to find me when I'm not exactly searching for them.

Including God.

I don't want to say that I've been in a slump lately, but I admittedly haven't been investing in my relationship at all. When I'm praying, it's more routine. Or I listen to other people and agree with their heart-felt requests, but I'm not vocalizing my own. I confess that I need to get back to reading my bible on a regular (and daily) basis, but then I fall asleep while I'm working and barely get my teeth brushed before I'm passed out in my bed. It really is an honest excuse that I have grown accustomed to:

I just don't have time.

And thanks to New Years Resolutions (which I generally do not make because I don't believe that anyone has ever in the history of the world stuck to one for a year's entirety), I am trying to do more. Important things like working out and seeing my boyfriend for more than 4 hours a week. Yet, while my newly adopted motto is true, part of me knows that it's also just a really great excuse. So I ventured to Borders today for help. While I was wanting to find a book for my situation, I also "knew" that I wouldn't find what I was trying to convince myself I was honestly looking for because I pretty much knew what would find me: Books on finding your spiritual gifts - figured those out, thanks. Devotions for women who are stressed - I don't need a checklist to tell me that I'm doing too much, I'm already well aware. Stories of women leaders in the bible - great, I know what I am aspiring to, but how did they actually make it all work? Or my personal favorite: Books for women, written by men - please tell me you're joking.

With hopes held round about nonexistent, I turned the corner into the "Christian" section of the store. I passed the bibles to the next shelf and the first thing I noticed was that there was an empty shelf that held only a red "Christan BestSellers" sign and 2 books that were obviously picked up and placed lazily back on the empty shelf instead of in their appropriate places. The one facing forward instead of spine-out? "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World; Finding intimacy with God in the busyness of life."

I am a huge fan of the Mary and Martha story. Even though I generally don't get the punchline. In a nutshell, Mary and Martha are sisters and Jesus is coming to visit them. Martha works her butt off cooking, cleaning the house and picking up after her slack sister who just sits around on the floor, talking to Jesus when he arrives. At the end of her rope, not being able to do it all on her own, Martha has no choice but to go in where Jesus and Mary are and let her bum sister know what's up. "Lord, this is so ridiculous. Thank you for noticing the newly vacuumed and dusted apartment and I'm glad that you are so enjoying your spinach and artichoke appetizer, but can I just tell you that I have prepared EVERYTHING and all that Mary has done was give me more work to do? If you tell her to help me, she might get up off her lazy butt. Can you PLEASE make her do something?!" (To which I gave Martha a firm "You go girl!") But here's where I miss the mark...Jesus responds. "Martha, you are so stressed about checking off all of the things on your multi-post-it to-do list that you've missed the most important thing. Mary's realized it sitting here with me. And I'm not going to take that away from her." Ooh dang. That is not what Martha was looking for. Jesus told her what's up. And I arrogantly don't tend to agree with him.

Which is why this book will be good for me. Why this book was "mysteriously" left where I would undoubtedly see it. I wasn't looking for God today. Not really. But He found me anyway.

He always does.