My take on Esther

Quick Prologue: This has been the 1st week of my self-discpline butt kicking regime. (See previous blog.) And so far, I'm proud of myself. Starting Monday, I woke up, went to the gym - though my muscles yelled at me after learning how to wakeboard Sunday - came home and had a quiet time. Yay for me. I feel accomplished! :) And I figured if I'm serious about this book-writing thing that I better start honing my skills and write more often as a first step in that direcion. You know, while I'm on this motivated kick and all.

I just finished Esther.

The beginning is my favorite part. Not because it's such a great story but because I had to laugh at how ridiculous it is. Let me break it down for you. After ruling for 3 years, King Xerxes decides to throw a week long party for everyone in Susa to show just how awesome he is. And I do mean a party. Not only was the wine a'flowin, but everybody's wine glass was unique and individual and the waiters were instructed to let each guest "drink in his own way." I guess those go hand in hand so that - as they were getting good and drunk (so it says people, I'm not making this stuff up!) - it was easier to say, "Hey Mr. Waiter! I need a refill in that gold goblet over there! No...not that goblet...mine has 3 swirlies and 4 stars not 4 swirlies and 3 stars..." At least that's how I imagine it.

Here it starts to get real good. On the 7th day of the party, "when King Xerxes was in high spirits from wine," he called for his servants to bring Queen Vashti. He wanted her all done up to display her beauty for him. Hold up! I'm pretty sure that this is the first official booty call of the Bible. Xerxes is all kinds of plastered and wants his wife to come in so he can "see" her beauty?? Right. Vashti, probably used to this kind of thing, doesn't feel like dealing with it right now so she sends back word that she has a headache and doesn't come. King Xerxes gets ticked and starts asking his lawyers what he can do to Queen Vashti for not obeying his commands.

Let's remember for a minute that these people have been partying and drinking it up for a week straight. And they're just as blitzed as the King himself! Maybe that has something to do with the magnitude of their great council: The wisemen decide that not only has Queen Vashti wronged the king by not answering his booty call, but they know that she has book club in a few days and they're worried about all of the other women in town finding out about her refusal. The lawyers are convinced that all women will hear Vashti's story, begin to despise their own husbands and follow suit so that the "discord" - or is that, lack of booty? - will never end. They make it illegal for Queen Vashti to enter King Xerxes' presence and he divorces her.

The next day, quite hungover and trying to remember what happened the night before, Xerxes remembers Vashti and what he ruled against her. Bummer. Now he's alone. When his personal attendants stagger in with tylenol and coffee, they suggest to Xerxes that he immediately start looking for a better wife. So they call all of the virgin women in the kingdom to go before the king. Before it's time for their rose ceremony, however, the girls are submitted to a year of makeup and beauty treatments. A year. And then they're presentable. One of these women is Esther.

Esther stood out immediately and won the favor of Hegai, the lucky servant in charge of the women, so he gave her extra spa treatments and special food. Little did he know that Esther was an orphaned Jew who was raised by her uncle Mordecai after her parents died. And oh yeah, Esther doesn't tell anyone in the king's council that she's a Jew because Mordecai warned her against it. More about that later.

After a year of being made up, Esther gets her chance to go to the King. Xerxes is attracted to her right away, says "Esther, will you accept this rose?," sends all the other girls home and throws a party for Esther. Mordecai, her uncle, is sitting outside the king's gate, waiting to hear what has happened. Having nothing else to do but draw in the dirt, he eavesdrops on a converstaion and learnes that two of Xerxes officers are planning to kill him. Mordecai tells Esther, who rats them out, saves the day and the officers are hung for premeditated manslaughter.

As this is going on, Xerxes is also appointing a new official, Haman. Long story short, Haman's got a major chip on his shoulder with an ego to match and the power he's given goes to his head. He wants everyone in the city to start bowing to him as he walks through the city and Mordecai thinks it's ridiculous. So he doesn't bow to Haman. "Look dude, I'm Jewish and I bow to my God and that's it. I'm not bowing to you. Tough luck." Haman's ticked and takes his complaint to the king.

Well, his tattle is a loose version of what happened. I think Haman's train of thought went something like this: "King Xerxes, you gave me this position, right? So people are supposed to listen to me, right? And do whatever I say? Not that I'd abuse it or anything, but since you gave me this power, then technically whatever I say really comes from you...and since you're the king and all...it would automatically be a law." Here's where I imagine Xerxes rolling his eyes and going, "Yeah, Haman, get on with it. What's your point?" So Haman continues, "There's this guy outside named Mordecai and he won't listen to me or do as I command." (I also imagine that he leaves out the nit-picky details that it's the whole bowing down to him thing that ticks Haman off.) "Come to find out, he's a Jew. And you know how you did that whole "Making an Example of Vashti" thing? Well, your honor, it was so brilliant of you that I think we should display your brilliance again and make an example of this guy. Otherwise, all of the Jews will stop obeying what I - er, you - say and all of the Jewish people will follow Mordecai's behavior. Let's kill 'em all so that can't happen." For some reason, this works on King Xerxes and he sends out an email to everyone in the kingdom, informing them that soon all Jews will be disposed of.

Back in the castle, Esther's maids come to her to let her know what's going on with Mordecai, who's crying outside the kingdom gate. He sends the email to her and tells her that she has to beg her husband to change his mind. Esther is now torn because she knows that if she approaches Xerxes without being summoned, the law is for her to be put to death. Yet she also knows that the future of her family lies on her. Being the smart girl that she is, she tells Mordecai get all of the Jews together to fast for three days.

Now one thing is for sure, this story shows us that not only will we make poor choices if we're constantly filled with booze, but also that men should not be in positions of power alone. I'm serious. These idiots came up with the stupidist plans and it wasn't until Esther came into place and was able to level their heads that things finally started making sense around the kingdom. That may not have been the primary point in writing this story, but read it for yourself, that bell rings loud and clear. Especially in this chapter. Rather than acting on emotion, Esther prepares with prayer and fasting, waiting on the Lord to direct her and give her guidance, knowing that even if she is punished by law for approaching the king, she'd be doing so confidently carrying out God's plan.

On the third day of fasting, Queen Esther approaches King Xerxes, who is pleased to see her. Surprisingly, though, she doesn't complain or even tell him what's troubling her. "King Xerxes, loving husband, if you do love me and you really want to make me happy, bring Haman and follow me. I have prepared a lovely dinner for you." So the three of them sit down to a banquet and have a great meal. As they're patting their bellies, chatting and drinking wine, Xerxes asks Esther again what it is he can do for, even offering half the kingdom to show how happy he is to help. She just invites them to dinner again the following day.

Nice and tipsy, Haman leaves the banquet, excited for another to follow the next night and stumbles out of the kingdom. Mordecai is still there and when he still doesn't bow, Haman gets really angry. When he gets home, Haman complains to his family about Mordecai and brags about all that he's been given...yet again. As is apparently customary for Haman, he makes another inebriated decision and has a gallows built to hang Mordecai himself the next day. He heads back to the castle to tell Xerxes his new plan.

All the while, King Xerxes is being tucked in and asks to hear a bedtime story of his reign as king. The story chosen was of Mordecai and how he had saved the king's life by overhearing the officers planning their assault. This was news to the King as he didn't even know who Mordecai was. Still not being one to make decisions on his own, King Xerxes hears Haman enter the court and summons him in for some advice. "Haman, what should I do for a man that I would like to honor?" Mr. Conceited Haman of course thinks that Xerxes is talking about him so he advises the king to give that man a robe, a horse and a crown. Oh yeah, and a parade through the city so all people will stop to admire and recognize this person's accomplishments. Then Xerxes tells Haman that he loves the idea and to make it all happen - for Mordecai.

During the feast the 2nd night, Queen Esther, King Xerxes and Haman are all eating when Xerxes again asks Esther of her request. And this time she lets it all out. "Here's the deal. If you love me, spare my life. And don't kill my family, either." I picture Xerxes with that deer-in-the-headlights look. "If we had been sold as slaves, I would never have thought of bothering you with this, but destruction and slaughter are not okay." King Xerxes, outraged that someone would do this to his queen's family, demands to know who put her in danger. "P.S." Esther says, pointing to the king's main man, "It was him." Haman gets up to beg for his life but trips and falls on the couch where Esther's sitting. This makes Xerxes all the more furious, "Now Haman tries to molest the queen while I am right here?!" and sends him away. (Hilarious...I know. But I promise it's in there, look it up.)

This could be the actual time the saying "Pride comes before the fall" began because Haman was taken away and hung. On the gallows that he'd created for Mordecai. This could also be Carly Simon's inspiration for the chart-topping song "You're So Vain." I'm just saying. Respectively, Mordecai is brought into the castle where he receives all of the property, jewels and leadership that had been Haman's before he abused it. "That's a good start, dear, but we still have this little issue of the decree that's gone out to murder my people," Esther reminds Xerxes. So another email is sent and the Jews are liberated. So free, in fact, that they go and kill the people who intended to harm them, including all of Haman's children. After days of killing, they celebrated with another feast and - you guessed it - wine.

And they lived happily ever after.

Even though this story is about Esther - and it's amazing to see someone seemingly doomed from the beginning (no family, inferior race) rise to become queen and save a nation because she trusted God even though she couldn't see proof of Him working - Mordecai is actually the one who stood out to me as I read the book this time. I know, you thought I'd be all Ginger Spice "Girl Power!" and talk about how Esther rules and it takes women to get things done in life. Well, that may be all well and good, but I'll hit on that another time.

Mordecai was even worse off than Esther. Not only was he the inferior race, but the daughter he'd raised as his own was living in the castle while he was left outside in the cold. He was also the reason that the decree went out to kill the Jews in the first place. Talk about a weight on your shoulders! Looking ahead at his life, he couldn't see God's hand in any of it. Yet he never gave in and stood for what he knew was right. He fasted, prayed and trusted God to take care of him. He fought for the good of his people and went to bat for them. And that is why he was rewarded with leadership.

God had a plan for Mordecai and Esther. He even had a plan for Queen Vashti and Haman. But God's plan isn't all it takes. He's always at work - whether we can see Him or not - but it's how we react that makes the difference. If we ignore God and do what pleases ourselves or gives us the most recognition, His plan can't shine through because we're blocking it. But if we trust Him, praying and taking our concerns to Him, acting on what we think is right, we'll be moving in the direction of His will without realizing it. It can be a scary thing to make a decision and not know if it's God or not. "But what if I think this is what God wants so I go ahead and make this choice but then it turns out that it really wasn't God and I'm actually doing the wrong thing?!" He'll let you know. A door will close or an opportunity will cease to manifest. Your feelings will change or something beyond your control will happen. God's not a trickster who gives us a slight chance to figure out His will so He can laugh at us when we miss it.

Keep praying and reading His word, keep communicating with Him, and you don't have to be afraid of not knowing what's going to happen. He wants us on the right path. If you're trying - and you're trusting - He'll help you get there.

Hard Hat Area

I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't believe in them. By Valentine's day, 98% of people have given up or forgotten about whatever it was that they promised themselves they'd do this year. And I don't know why January should be "the month" that everyone's choosing to better themselves. Because then we have a month of motivated, determined people...but the other 11 months are people complaining and feeling bad about themselves. I'd prefer to have it all spread out. Maybe that's why I don't buy into resolutions.

I do agree with taking a look at yourself, though, and seeing where improvements can be made. Because - Lord knows! - we've all got 'em. Those personality traits or habits that we've fenced in and wrapped up with yellow caution tape so nobody will get near enough to see what's being worked on inside. Being that I'll be 26 in a week (my golden birthday, thank you!) it's about that time of year again when I take a look at myself and answer Switchfoot's question, "This is your life; are you who you want to be?"

I was at the beach with my family last week and I ended up driving down on my own Sunday after church. Knowing it would be at least a 4 hour drive, I figured that'd be as good a time as any to start my soul searching. I had borrowed a book on CD called "Developing the Leader Within You" by John C. Maxwell because we've gone through some structural changes at Mosaic and I want to be sure that as I'm accepting new responsibilities, I'm also doing a better and better job of caring for the people who are serving with me. As I left church Sunday I popped in the CD to see how I could become a better leader. Little did I know that it would spotlight a major construction zone and ultimately lead me to this look at myself.

There were multiple phrases that stuck out in my mind: "If you want to continue leading, you have to continue changing." "Half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up to get it." "If you can't lead yourself, you can't lead others." "Growth is only possible when the leader is willing to pay the price for it." And all of a sudden, I felt like I was missing my hard hat. And steel toed boots and hammer. Or maybe a bulldozer. I knew why these particular things were standing out in my mind. If I want to be a better leader for my volunteers, I have to start by being a better me. And that means better self-discipline. ie: "Achieving what you really want by doing things you don't really want to do." Thanks a lot, John. Does construction tape come with this book?

So three things come to mind and while I feel that it's really more fair for them to present themselves one at a time, they're here and they're related, so I'm ready to face them head on. Food. Exercise. Prayer. I'll just hope that they land on my hard hat.

If you saw the word food and immediately thought, "Oh, whatever! You're skinny. What are you talking about?" I'd like to not only challenge you to re-think the appropriateness of that judgemental thought, but then I'd also like to take it under my jackhammer. Allow me to get on my soapbox for just a minute and say that it's double-standard attitudes like that - "I'm allowed to struggle with food and what I eat because that's the body I was born with but you're not allowed to because you're, what, a size 4?!" - that contribute to eating disorders in "little" girls. Let's face it. It doesn't matter if you're a 0 or a 14, if you're a woman, you're going to have body image issues and there's no point in turning against each other and making someone feel bad about her struggles just because she's smaller than you. (Excuse me while I step down.)

I'm a closet eater. Somedays I get home for dinner and think, "What did I really eat today?" because I can't remember sitting down to have lunch. But when I think back to it, I grabbed a cookie at a meeting, a granola bar during recess, some chocolate during my planning period and a bag of chips after school. Oh yeah, and then I had another cookie on my way to the car. I'm the kind of person who will eat an entire container of Oreos without realizing it. I just don't stop until they're gone. Jody jokes that a mouse lives in my kitchen cabinet because it's never very full. But that's because I can't fill it up full. Or I empty it within a day or two by eating all my new and exciting foods. Or I'll go out to dinner and bring half back in a to-go box. Yet by the time I get home, I'll not only finish it but add some (fill in the blank) to go with it. And scrounge for some chocolate for dessert. I have no self-control for food. If I see it - regardless of being hungry or not - I'll eat it. This is clearly an area where I need self-discipline. Not to starve myself or anything ridiculous like that. This is to better myself. But to eat regular meals and be more healthy. That's the plan.

And the same thing goes for exercise. I've always got a good excuse why I "can't" go. It's raining. I'm tired. I have a meeting after work. I'm wearing green today. Whatever. When I'm in the routine, I'm good to go. But it's getting back into it - after a year hiatus with the "National Boards" excuse - that I'm not looking forward to. I know I can run. It's just a matter of getting to the gym and on the treadmill. Self-discipline lacking.

The third thing, which seems like it should be the easiest, is probably the hardest of all. Better quiet times. Praying. Reading my bible - regularly. Giving God a chance to speak to me because I've turned my thoughts off and am just listening. Besides having a million excuses - even more than for getting out of the gym - this is a difficult one for me because I'm such a busybody. With a constant to-do list, scheduling time to read and just sit is difficult. Because it feels like there's always something more important to do. But I know in my heart that when it comes down to it, there is nothing more important. I can't do any of this on my own. Clearly my self-discipline is lacking. But if I allow God to help me, which does require me getting out of my own way, then I know that this can be done. And while eating and exercise may seem trivial in the way of changing the world, I know that it's just the beginning for me. It's my stepping stone of taking down the caution tape and letting God in to help me rebuild who I am. Without reading His word and talking to Him, it's like trying to build without a blueprint. Maybe that's how I ended up in the construction zone to begin with.

I turn 26 on Saturday. It's the beginning of a new year for me. A year where there's major potential for things to change. Mosaic's moved buildings and we're working to turn greatness to excellence. I can float along and do what's required on Sunday mornings or I can be so in tune to God's voice that I know who really needs a touch and take better care of my volunteers. I'll be in new leadership at work, as Grade Chair of the Kindergarten team. I can go to the meetings and communicate to the teachers what they need to do, or I can go above my professional expectations and bring the team together as a family. Finding myself - once again - in a long distance relationship, I can make it work the best I know how and do whatever's comfortable or I can trust God to guide me, listen for His direction and be open to where he's leading me, whichever direction or however hard, it may be.

Ultimately I know I'm my best self when I'm fully connected to God. So if it means some butt kicking self discipline and doing things I don't want to do to ultimately do what I - and God - do want, then bring on the hard hat. I'm ready to work.

And maybe some tylenol, too.

Is enough ever enough?

I've been having a debate. With myself. I'm wondering why good intentions die and if it's okay to let them. Or! If it's as Winston Churchill said, "We should never ever ever ever give up."

I know that you can't please everyone. And I know that in life, there will always be people you can't please. People who don't like you, regardless of what you do, say, or how many times you reach out. Regardless of how genuine your attempts really are or how much you genuinely want to have a relationship with them. What I don't understand is why. Especially when there seems to be no reason.

I've got a hurt in my heart because I can't build this specific friendship. It's important to me - and I've tried - but I seem to get hurt every time. It's amazing how deep short remarks and cold shoulders can dig. Especially when you're just trying to offer yourself. Nothing fake. Nothing forced. Just friendship. Part of me says to just move on and forget it. That anyone worth being friends with won't be intentionally hurtful, regardless of how meaningless and small the act of being ignored may seem. But another part of me wants to keep trying. Because I feel like if I can just figure out what I did - why I'm unlovable to this person - I can break down whatever wall of hurt I've somehow put up and find a friendship with someone who I think is actually a lot like me. But do I say something? Or just follow suit and pretend like there's not tension between us? I guess for now all I can do is be willing. Until I figure out the answer to the debate.

At the same time I'm on the other end of the spectrum with another relationship. I was hurt pretty badly by a close friend who intentionally ran our friendship into the ground. And then ran over it with a truck. Hurt after hurt after hurt, I was the one who decided the friendship wasn't worth it. When trust and respect aren't there, a relationship just doesn't work. And when you add intentional degrading, forget it. After not speaking for about a year, this person recently approached me to apologize. I was completely blown away and immediately brought to tears. We talked, I granted forgiveness that was asked of me, and I'm hoping that this change is genuine. I really hope so. Because I'd love to have my friend back.

On the off chance that friend #2 is reading this, thank you. You restored my faith in people and encouraged the side of me that thinks I should never give up on anyone. I missed you. And I hope you're back for good. Hopefully I can figure out how I've hurt person #1 and will be able to have another restoration. Because man...letting go of that hurt was such a relief for my heart. I was carrying around pain that I didn't even realize was weighing me down because I'd been ignoring it.

Besides, who ever has too many friends?