Hard Hat Area

I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't believe in them. By Valentine's day, 98% of people have given up or forgotten about whatever it was that they promised themselves they'd do this year. And I don't know why January should be "the month" that everyone's choosing to better themselves. Because then we have a month of motivated, determined people...but the other 11 months are people complaining and feeling bad about themselves. I'd prefer to have it all spread out. Maybe that's why I don't buy into resolutions.

I do agree with taking a look at yourself, though, and seeing where improvements can be made. Because - Lord knows! - we've all got 'em. Those personality traits or habits that we've fenced in and wrapped up with yellow caution tape so nobody will get near enough to see what's being worked on inside. Being that I'll be 26 in a week (my golden birthday, thank you!) it's about that time of year again when I take a look at myself and answer Switchfoot's question, "This is your life; are you who you want to be?"

I was at the beach with my family last week and I ended up driving down on my own Sunday after church. Knowing it would be at least a 4 hour drive, I figured that'd be as good a time as any to start my soul searching. I had borrowed a book on CD called "Developing the Leader Within You" by John C. Maxwell because we've gone through some structural changes at Mosaic and I want to be sure that as I'm accepting new responsibilities, I'm also doing a better and better job of caring for the people who are serving with me. As I left church Sunday I popped in the CD to see how I could become a better leader. Little did I know that it would spotlight a major construction zone and ultimately lead me to this look at myself.

There were multiple phrases that stuck out in my mind: "If you want to continue leading, you have to continue changing." "Half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up to get it." "If you can't lead yourself, you can't lead others." "Growth is only possible when the leader is willing to pay the price for it." And all of a sudden, I felt like I was missing my hard hat. And steel toed boots and hammer. Or maybe a bulldozer. I knew why these particular things were standing out in my mind. If I want to be a better leader for my volunteers, I have to start by being a better me. And that means better self-discipline. ie: "Achieving what you really want by doing things you don't really want to do." Thanks a lot, John. Does construction tape come with this book?

So three things come to mind and while I feel that it's really more fair for them to present themselves one at a time, they're here and they're related, so I'm ready to face them head on. Food. Exercise. Prayer. I'll just hope that they land on my hard hat.

If you saw the word food and immediately thought, "Oh, whatever! You're skinny. What are you talking about?" I'd like to not only challenge you to re-think the appropriateness of that judgemental thought, but then I'd also like to take it under my jackhammer. Allow me to get on my soapbox for just a minute and say that it's double-standard attitudes like that - "I'm allowed to struggle with food and what I eat because that's the body I was born with but you're not allowed to because you're, what, a size 4?!" - that contribute to eating disorders in "little" girls. Let's face it. It doesn't matter if you're a 0 or a 14, if you're a woman, you're going to have body image issues and there's no point in turning against each other and making someone feel bad about her struggles just because she's smaller than you. (Excuse me while I step down.)

I'm a closet eater. Somedays I get home for dinner and think, "What did I really eat today?" because I can't remember sitting down to have lunch. But when I think back to it, I grabbed a cookie at a meeting, a granola bar during recess, some chocolate during my planning period and a bag of chips after school. Oh yeah, and then I had another cookie on my way to the car. I'm the kind of person who will eat an entire container of Oreos without realizing it. I just don't stop until they're gone. Jody jokes that a mouse lives in my kitchen cabinet because it's never very full. But that's because I can't fill it up full. Or I empty it within a day or two by eating all my new and exciting foods. Or I'll go out to dinner and bring half back in a to-go box. Yet by the time I get home, I'll not only finish it but add some (fill in the blank) to go with it. And scrounge for some chocolate for dessert. I have no self-control for food. If I see it - regardless of being hungry or not - I'll eat it. This is clearly an area where I need self-discipline. Not to starve myself or anything ridiculous like that. This is to better myself. But to eat regular meals and be more healthy. That's the plan.

And the same thing goes for exercise. I've always got a good excuse why I "can't" go. It's raining. I'm tired. I have a meeting after work. I'm wearing green today. Whatever. When I'm in the routine, I'm good to go. But it's getting back into it - after a year hiatus with the "National Boards" excuse - that I'm not looking forward to. I know I can run. It's just a matter of getting to the gym and on the treadmill. Self-discipline lacking.

The third thing, which seems like it should be the easiest, is probably the hardest of all. Better quiet times. Praying. Reading my bible - regularly. Giving God a chance to speak to me because I've turned my thoughts off and am just listening. Besides having a million excuses - even more than for getting out of the gym - this is a difficult one for me because I'm such a busybody. With a constant to-do list, scheduling time to read and just sit is difficult. Because it feels like there's always something more important to do. But I know in my heart that when it comes down to it, there is nothing more important. I can't do any of this on my own. Clearly my self-discipline is lacking. But if I allow God to help me, which does require me getting out of my own way, then I know that this can be done. And while eating and exercise may seem trivial in the way of changing the world, I know that it's just the beginning for me. It's my stepping stone of taking down the caution tape and letting God in to help me rebuild who I am. Without reading His word and talking to Him, it's like trying to build without a blueprint. Maybe that's how I ended up in the construction zone to begin with.

I turn 26 on Saturday. It's the beginning of a new year for me. A year where there's major potential for things to change. Mosaic's moved buildings and we're working to turn greatness to excellence. I can float along and do what's required on Sunday mornings or I can be so in tune to God's voice that I know who really needs a touch and take better care of my volunteers. I'll be in new leadership at work, as Grade Chair of the Kindergarten team. I can go to the meetings and communicate to the teachers what they need to do, or I can go above my professional expectations and bring the team together as a family. Finding myself - once again - in a long distance relationship, I can make it work the best I know how and do whatever's comfortable or I can trust God to guide me, listen for His direction and be open to where he's leading me, whichever direction or however hard, it may be.

Ultimately I know I'm my best self when I'm fully connected to God. So if it means some butt kicking self discipline and doing things I don't want to do to ultimately do what I - and God - do want, then bring on the hard hat. I'm ready to work.

And maybe some tylenol, too.