Love is...

With Valentine's day coming up, love is in the air. And in case you haven't yet caught a whif, it smells of converstion hearts and carnations.If you ask 100 different people on 100 different days what love is, I'm fairly confident that you'll receive a different answer each time. To Pat Benetar, love is a battlefield but to the Backstreet Boys, it's kisses in a bean bag chair. To six year old Krissy, love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Kim Casali even created a comic strip in the 1960s called "Love is..." to give a daily defition of the little things that add up to the complexity we can't quite seem to figure out.

Love has always been important to me. As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, you can pretty much tell how I feel about someone. Which can be just as bad as it is good and is therefore something I'm constantly working on. But I think it's important for love to be expressed. True, it's a precious thing that should be protected and used properly, not thrown about as a shell of words that hold no meaning, but genuine feelings are important to express. So important, in fact, that my family has created our own word for ending phone conversations with each other. "Iloveyoubye" has become one jumbled word in Mockler-speak. On more than one occassion when talking to my mother I've accidentally shortened it to just a goodbye and then felt the the need to call her back and make sure I said "I love you." I was never exactly sure what it was that made me call back (partly a fear of something happening to a family member before we spoke again, which is a different thought for another day) but it was just a feeling that something wasn't right.

Maybe it's because of Valentine's Day. Maybe it's because Peter and I are going through the book "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken and it's all about the relationship between him and his true love. Maybe it's because I've been trying to check myself and see if I'm really being loving to people I come across in my day to day. But I've been thinking a lot about love. And I think I've figured out why it's so important to me.

Love breaks a boundary. It opens a door. The expression of love, for me, is the beginning of a new level in a relationship. And not merely in the romantic sense. It's my way of telling Peter that not only do I care about him, but I'm willing to put his needs before my own. It's my way of telling a friend that I love her so she'll see the amazing, fun person she is when she can't see it herself. It's telling my mom after a fight that it doesn't matter if she didn't say what I wanted to hear or if she hurt my feelings because I love her and I'm ready to move past that. It's telling a child that no matter how they've been treated at home, I love them and with me, they are safe. It's telling a new friend that not only was it great to have lunch with her, but that I really do desire getting to know her heart because even if we just met, I love her as Jesus does. Expressing love opens so many doors...to trust, to building a stronger relationship, to genuine sharing of each other's lives, almost to endless possibilities.

Granted, it also opens up the door to hurt because you have to be vulnerable enough to let someone in to really know you. Still, as many times as I've been hurt by loving others - in both dating relationships and friendships - I've never held back in telling someone that I love them as soon as I realize it to be true. I know there are people that would disagree with my "overuse" of the phrase but Jesus called us to be known by our love and when people realize they're important, that they matter enough for me to reach out and genuinely accept them, before I really even know who they are, that's my expression of love. And by holding back and not telling people how we feel, I think it does a disservice to the potential of a relationship and it also prevents what God can do in us and through us.

I'm not giving a definition of love because even if I did I'd probably change it again in a few days. I just know that I want give it away as much as I possibly can. Because I've been in that place where I was behind a wall, giving just enough to appear like I was trying but without actually having to love, in order to protect myself from not having my heart broken again. And unfortunately, I can't say that I won't ever be in that same position again. But I know that days like today...encouraging a friend, sharing lunch with people I love so much, even those that I'm just getting to know...are so much better. A life of vulnerability, loving those around me, giving of myself as much as I can to as many people as I can, is so much better than trying to keep something in. Everyone wants to be loved. So why not fulfill that need in a friend by making sure they know that they are? Maybe that's part of what love is.

I know there's a lot more to it. Feel free to leave your thoughts and definitions.

Playing House

I babysit for 3 little ones every Tuesday and to be honest, I've got it easy. The kids are sweet, they make me laugh, and I have access to uninterrupted internet when they go to bed. Uninterrupted in that they don't borrow it from the neighbors like we do at our house. It makes life easier for updating my classroom website and ok...let's be honest...checking facebook.

After Isaac goes down around 6:30 I have a good hour or so to play with the girls before I get them ready for bed. After rediscovering the joy of Christmas toys last week, I was actually quite excited to come over this week and play Barbies. Especially since one of Natalie's Barbies came with a whole shower and bathroom vanity set! Alas, that wasn't the game of choice tonight. Instead we played "Nicole's gonna stay in there because that's the class and she's gonna watch my kids while I come out here because that's the house but hang on a minute because I have to stop by the store." Known to the rest of us as playing house. My favorite game as a child.

I loved to play house when I was little because there are so many opportunities. Whether it was helping Barbie drive her '67 Chevy to Jordan Knight's house for a date (yes, I had Jordan and Joey from NKOTB, thank you very much) or my sister and I were chosen to be contestants on Let's Make a Deal or I was one of 6 babies laying between the roots of the old tree on the playground, playing house never let me down. I could be whatever I wanted, solve any problem and time seemed to last forever. I didn't have to come out of character all day. Even if we were having dry chicken and cold green beans for dinner, the table just became a platform for the nightly news anchor. It was never silly, always serious, but in fun.

As an adult (because I am one, whether I like it or not) I still like to use my imagination. I play with Natalie and Nicole when I'm babysitting, I play with my kids at recess and technically when I'm acting as a modeling agent giving myself fashion tips in the mirror, I'm playing then, too.

Tonight, though, as Natalie and Nicole played, I realized that playing house is just a reflection of the world through the eyes of a child. As Natalie passed out snack, very delicious imaginary strawberry flavored gummies, she said, "Ok sweetie, do you need me to stir that for you?" in what I can imagine is only a perfect imitation of her bible study teacher's actual phrasing. When I put Isaac to sleep, Nicole kissed him on the leg and Natalie said "Goodnight sweetie, you have a good sleep, ok?" in a complete mother-like tone. Natalie, in her play, was mimicking the people and things she knows to be true from her day-to-day.

Which got me thinking. How are my students reflecting me? Are my little girls putting on their church shoes with the heels and sticking pencils in their ponytails? Are they carrying around coffee cups and giving hugs to their students? Or are they snapping at Barbie when she doesn't follow directions the first time? Are they patient with Dora when she forgets a sight word or are they berating her for forgetting? Are they asking the Build-a-Bear to sit nicely on the carpet or making a sarcastic remark about him laying down in hopes the young student will figure out what that implies?

I love being a teacher but the one downfall is that I never get a day off. Now before you harass me about spring break and not working in the summer - by the way, don't get me started - let me clarify what I mean. I'm an entertainer. When I have a cold, can't stop blowing my nose and sound like a smoker, I'm still required to read stories and talk all day long. When I feel like I have the flu and just want to sit at my desk, I have to stay on my feet and model step by step by step directions. When I'm sad because my boyfriend's gone back to his new job 5,000 miles away and I realize that all of my friends are moving on with their boyfriends, husbands, babies, etc and I feel all alone and just want to cry and eat Chubby Hubby (you know...hypothetically), I still have 36 little eyes watching my every move, asking me questions, needing their shoes tied, getting stuck in their coat zippers, forgetting which way a "b" goes, spilling fruit juice in their laps, getting distracted by the carpet, shouting out random thoughts, hitting the wrong button on the computer, falling on the playground and just generally being five year old babies who can't help but make mistakes! And while the pandemonium of it all makes me want to pull my hair out and tell everyone to be quiet and let me have 5 minutes - just 5 minutes! - to hear myself think...

I can't. Because I still have 18 little babies who need me. 18 students who are JUST five years old, who don't understand not displaying your emotions the instant you feel them, who aren't intentionally (most of them) trying to make me lose my mind but who really just need assistance. And I wondered, as I watched Natalie and Nicole play house and imitate the people they're observing, just how my students play me. Because even on days when I don't feel like entertaining...they're still watching. And taking notes.

Thank God I have Him to rely on because with days like these I'd never have any positive influence on anyone. During lunch today my team of other kindergarten teachers came to me for an intervention. Apparently they noticed I haven't been myself. As one of them told me, "Tomorrow's a new day!" and mine is certainly going to start in prayer. Because even God's worst can shine through me when I'm feeling cruddy and that's who my kids really deserve. Even if I break another coffee cup tomorrow in the middle of our science story and send expensive, hot coffee flying all over myself and the rug, I'll rely on God to equip me with patience and kindness and hopefully He'll equip my babies with forgiveness.

And forgetfulness of their teacher on days like today.

Dizzy Glitter

Crocs on a grown man. OJ Simpson's alleged glove. Cinderella's glass slipper on the foot of her evil step sister. Sometimes things just don't fit.

My problem right now is that what doesn't fit is me.

I feel like I've been in this funk for the past couple of weeks and I'm not really sure what the deal is. I have my guesses as to what's stressing me out or bringing me down but I know it's not just that because I can't "name it and claim it" aka identify and get over the problem. It feels like there's something more.

I've only mentioned to a couple of people how I've been feeling but it seems that I've gotten slightly different responses each time. Not to say in the slightest that any of them are wrong, it's just interesting. Kind of like looking at a kalidescope. You know, the kind you hold to your eye and see the glitter and colors reflected 100 different ways as you spin it. It's like everyone's looking at the same piece of sequins but depending on which reflection they see, it looks different.

Peter, ever my encourager :) thinks it's partly a good thing I've been feeling sad. He thinks it's a good sign to have a heavy heart because it says something about our relationship. That if we didn't have some pain to carry or feel like something's not quite right, it might be a sign that we can live too easily without each other and that the feelings we have were only situational. So it's a good thing that I've been a little down and can't shake this feeling - it speaks volumes to how I really feel about him. I agree with Peter.

Julie, a thoughtful coworker and friend, sent me an email tonight just to say hey and check in because she noticed I haven't been myself lately. She encouraged me to stay positive and just keep doing what I know to be right and everything will work itself out. She reminded me to focus on the positive and fun upcoming things to look forward to because it's totally mood lifting to get excited about special things. I agree with Julie.

I can hear my mother's voice, telling me that it doesn't matter what other people think because they're just jealous of the wonderful person that I am (words straight from mom's mouth) that that's all that matters. As long as I'm happy with who I am, I shouldn't let other people get me down. If they're trying to be mean and I allow them to get to me then I'm just letting them win and have that power over me. I can't let the negative attitudes of others influence me. (I've got that speech down pretty good, wouldn't you say, mom?) I agree with my mother.

Gerardo, a wonderfully inspiring fellow Mosaician and friend, might say that I feel like I don't fit in myself right now because there's a much bigger Kristin who's ready to come out. (Not in the closet sort of way, bare with me.) I've talked with him on a couple of different occasions and he's helped me to realize that I have potential for something huge within me and the God-given desire to let it out and change the world. I just don't yet know what it is. He might say that it's about time for this new, influential Kristin to figure out what she wants to do and how God wants to use me. If that's what he'd say, then I agree with Gerardo.

That may only be a few explanations, but like eyes looking in a kalidescope, I think they can all ring true at the same time. Really, the only view that matters to me is God's and I just want to see what He sees when he looks into the kalidescope of my life. I'm sure it's full of sequins and sparkles, but I also feel like He's really turning it all around right now to watch and see for Himself how the colors fall into place. I'm fully confident that God knows who and what I will become. The beauty of the kalidescope truly comes in the movement of the pieces.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this...to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

I just need help staying focused on Him and not getting distracted by other people and things in this world while I'm waiting to see what shape the glitter of my life takes place when it's done spinning around.

My take on Esther

Quick Prologue: This has been the 1st week of my self-discpline butt kicking regime. (See previous blog.) And so far, I'm proud of myself. Starting Monday, I woke up, went to the gym - though my muscles yelled at me after learning how to wakeboard Sunday - came home and had a quiet time. Yay for me. I feel accomplished! :) And I figured if I'm serious about this book-writing thing that I better start honing my skills and write more often as a first step in that direcion. You know, while I'm on this motivated kick and all.

I just finished Esther.

The beginning is my favorite part. Not because it's such a great story but because I had to laugh at how ridiculous it is. Let me break it down for you. After ruling for 3 years, King Xerxes decides to throw a week long party for everyone in Susa to show just how awesome he is. And I do mean a party. Not only was the wine a'flowin, but everybody's wine glass was unique and individual and the waiters were instructed to let each guest "drink in his own way." I guess those go hand in hand so that - as they were getting good and drunk (so it says people, I'm not making this stuff up!) - it was easier to say, "Hey Mr. Waiter! I need a refill in that gold goblet over there! No...not that goblet...mine has 3 swirlies and 4 stars not 4 swirlies and 3 stars..." At least that's how I imagine it.

Here it starts to get real good. On the 7th day of the party, "when King Xerxes was in high spirits from wine," he called for his servants to bring Queen Vashti. He wanted her all done up to display her beauty for him. Hold up! I'm pretty sure that this is the first official booty call of the Bible. Xerxes is all kinds of plastered and wants his wife to come in so he can "see" her beauty?? Right. Vashti, probably used to this kind of thing, doesn't feel like dealing with it right now so she sends back word that she has a headache and doesn't come. King Xerxes gets ticked and starts asking his lawyers what he can do to Queen Vashti for not obeying his commands.

Let's remember for a minute that these people have been partying and drinking it up for a week straight. And they're just as blitzed as the King himself! Maybe that has something to do with the magnitude of their great council: The wisemen decide that not only has Queen Vashti wronged the king by not answering his booty call, but they know that she has book club in a few days and they're worried about all of the other women in town finding out about her refusal. The lawyers are convinced that all women will hear Vashti's story, begin to despise their own husbands and follow suit so that the "discord" - or is that, lack of booty? - will never end. They make it illegal for Queen Vashti to enter King Xerxes' presence and he divorces her.

The next day, quite hungover and trying to remember what happened the night before, Xerxes remembers Vashti and what he ruled against her. Bummer. Now he's alone. When his personal attendants stagger in with tylenol and coffee, they suggest to Xerxes that he immediately start looking for a better wife. So they call all of the virgin women in the kingdom to go before the king. Before it's time for their rose ceremony, however, the girls are submitted to a year of makeup and beauty treatments. A year. And then they're presentable. One of these women is Esther.

Esther stood out immediately and won the favor of Hegai, the lucky servant in charge of the women, so he gave her extra spa treatments and special food. Little did he know that Esther was an orphaned Jew who was raised by her uncle Mordecai after her parents died. And oh yeah, Esther doesn't tell anyone in the king's council that she's a Jew because Mordecai warned her against it. More about that later.

After a year of being made up, Esther gets her chance to go to the King. Xerxes is attracted to her right away, says "Esther, will you accept this rose?," sends all the other girls home and throws a party for Esther. Mordecai, her uncle, is sitting outside the king's gate, waiting to hear what has happened. Having nothing else to do but draw in the dirt, he eavesdrops on a converstaion and learnes that two of Xerxes officers are planning to kill him. Mordecai tells Esther, who rats them out, saves the day and the officers are hung for premeditated manslaughter.

As this is going on, Xerxes is also appointing a new official, Haman. Long story short, Haman's got a major chip on his shoulder with an ego to match and the power he's given goes to his head. He wants everyone in the city to start bowing to him as he walks through the city and Mordecai thinks it's ridiculous. So he doesn't bow to Haman. "Look dude, I'm Jewish and I bow to my God and that's it. I'm not bowing to you. Tough luck." Haman's ticked and takes his complaint to the king.

Well, his tattle is a loose version of what happened. I think Haman's train of thought went something like this: "King Xerxes, you gave me this position, right? So people are supposed to listen to me, right? And do whatever I say? Not that I'd abuse it or anything, but since you gave me this power, then technically whatever I say really comes from you...and since you're the king and all...it would automatically be a law." Here's where I imagine Xerxes rolling his eyes and going, "Yeah, Haman, get on with it. What's your point?" So Haman continues, "There's this guy outside named Mordecai and he won't listen to me or do as I command." (I also imagine that he leaves out the nit-picky details that it's the whole bowing down to him thing that ticks Haman off.) "Come to find out, he's a Jew. And you know how you did that whole "Making an Example of Vashti" thing? Well, your honor, it was so brilliant of you that I think we should display your brilliance again and make an example of this guy. Otherwise, all of the Jews will stop obeying what I - er, you - say and all of the Jewish people will follow Mordecai's behavior. Let's kill 'em all so that can't happen." For some reason, this works on King Xerxes and he sends out an email to everyone in the kingdom, informing them that soon all Jews will be disposed of.

Back in the castle, Esther's maids come to her to let her know what's going on with Mordecai, who's crying outside the kingdom gate. He sends the email to her and tells her that she has to beg her husband to change his mind. Esther is now torn because she knows that if she approaches Xerxes without being summoned, the law is for her to be put to death. Yet she also knows that the future of her family lies on her. Being the smart girl that she is, she tells Mordecai get all of the Jews together to fast for three days.

Now one thing is for sure, this story shows us that not only will we make poor choices if we're constantly filled with booze, but also that men should not be in positions of power alone. I'm serious. These idiots came up with the stupidist plans and it wasn't until Esther came into place and was able to level their heads that things finally started making sense around the kingdom. That may not have been the primary point in writing this story, but read it for yourself, that bell rings loud and clear. Especially in this chapter. Rather than acting on emotion, Esther prepares with prayer and fasting, waiting on the Lord to direct her and give her guidance, knowing that even if she is punished by law for approaching the king, she'd be doing so confidently carrying out God's plan.

On the third day of fasting, Queen Esther approaches King Xerxes, who is pleased to see her. Surprisingly, though, she doesn't complain or even tell him what's troubling her. "King Xerxes, loving husband, if you do love me and you really want to make me happy, bring Haman and follow me. I have prepared a lovely dinner for you." So the three of them sit down to a banquet and have a great meal. As they're patting their bellies, chatting and drinking wine, Xerxes asks Esther again what it is he can do for, even offering half the kingdom to show how happy he is to help. She just invites them to dinner again the following day.

Nice and tipsy, Haman leaves the banquet, excited for another to follow the next night and stumbles out of the kingdom. Mordecai is still there and when he still doesn't bow, Haman gets really angry. When he gets home, Haman complains to his family about Mordecai and brags about all that he's been given...yet again. As is apparently customary for Haman, he makes another inebriated decision and has a gallows built to hang Mordecai himself the next day. He heads back to the castle to tell Xerxes his new plan.

All the while, King Xerxes is being tucked in and asks to hear a bedtime story of his reign as king. The story chosen was of Mordecai and how he had saved the king's life by overhearing the officers planning their assault. This was news to the King as he didn't even know who Mordecai was. Still not being one to make decisions on his own, King Xerxes hears Haman enter the court and summons him in for some advice. "Haman, what should I do for a man that I would like to honor?" Mr. Conceited Haman of course thinks that Xerxes is talking about him so he advises the king to give that man a robe, a horse and a crown. Oh yeah, and a parade through the city so all people will stop to admire and recognize this person's accomplishments. Then Xerxes tells Haman that he loves the idea and to make it all happen - for Mordecai.

During the feast the 2nd night, Queen Esther, King Xerxes and Haman are all eating when Xerxes again asks Esther of her request. And this time she lets it all out. "Here's the deal. If you love me, spare my life. And don't kill my family, either." I picture Xerxes with that deer-in-the-headlights look. "If we had been sold as slaves, I would never have thought of bothering you with this, but destruction and slaughter are not okay." King Xerxes, outraged that someone would do this to his queen's family, demands to know who put her in danger. "P.S." Esther says, pointing to the king's main man, "It was him." Haman gets up to beg for his life but trips and falls on the couch where Esther's sitting. This makes Xerxes all the more furious, "Now Haman tries to molest the queen while I am right here?!" and sends him away. (Hilarious...I know. But I promise it's in there, look it up.)

This could be the actual time the saying "Pride comes before the fall" began because Haman was taken away and hung. On the gallows that he'd created for Mordecai. This could also be Carly Simon's inspiration for the chart-topping song "You're So Vain." I'm just saying. Respectively, Mordecai is brought into the castle where he receives all of the property, jewels and leadership that had been Haman's before he abused it. "That's a good start, dear, but we still have this little issue of the decree that's gone out to murder my people," Esther reminds Xerxes. So another email is sent and the Jews are liberated. So free, in fact, that they go and kill the people who intended to harm them, including all of Haman's children. After days of killing, they celebrated with another feast and - you guessed it - wine.

And they lived happily ever after.

Even though this story is about Esther - and it's amazing to see someone seemingly doomed from the beginning (no family, inferior race) rise to become queen and save a nation because she trusted God even though she couldn't see proof of Him working - Mordecai is actually the one who stood out to me as I read the book this time. I know, you thought I'd be all Ginger Spice "Girl Power!" and talk about how Esther rules and it takes women to get things done in life. Well, that may be all well and good, but I'll hit on that another time.

Mordecai was even worse off than Esther. Not only was he the inferior race, but the daughter he'd raised as his own was living in the castle while he was left outside in the cold. He was also the reason that the decree went out to kill the Jews in the first place. Talk about a weight on your shoulders! Looking ahead at his life, he couldn't see God's hand in any of it. Yet he never gave in and stood for what he knew was right. He fasted, prayed and trusted God to take care of him. He fought for the good of his people and went to bat for them. And that is why he was rewarded with leadership.

God had a plan for Mordecai and Esther. He even had a plan for Queen Vashti and Haman. But God's plan isn't all it takes. He's always at work - whether we can see Him or not - but it's how we react that makes the difference. If we ignore God and do what pleases ourselves or gives us the most recognition, His plan can't shine through because we're blocking it. But if we trust Him, praying and taking our concerns to Him, acting on what we think is right, we'll be moving in the direction of His will without realizing it. It can be a scary thing to make a decision and not know if it's God or not. "But what if I think this is what God wants so I go ahead and make this choice but then it turns out that it really wasn't God and I'm actually doing the wrong thing?!" He'll let you know. A door will close or an opportunity will cease to manifest. Your feelings will change or something beyond your control will happen. God's not a trickster who gives us a slight chance to figure out His will so He can laugh at us when we miss it.

Keep praying and reading His word, keep communicating with Him, and you don't have to be afraid of not knowing what's going to happen. He wants us on the right path. If you're trying - and you're trusting - He'll help you get there.

Hard Hat Area

I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't believe in them. By Valentine's day, 98% of people have given up or forgotten about whatever it was that they promised themselves they'd do this year. And I don't know why January should be "the month" that everyone's choosing to better themselves. Because then we have a month of motivated, determined people...but the other 11 months are people complaining and feeling bad about themselves. I'd prefer to have it all spread out. Maybe that's why I don't buy into resolutions.

I do agree with taking a look at yourself, though, and seeing where improvements can be made. Because - Lord knows! - we've all got 'em. Those personality traits or habits that we've fenced in and wrapped up with yellow caution tape so nobody will get near enough to see what's being worked on inside. Being that I'll be 26 in a week (my golden birthday, thank you!) it's about that time of year again when I take a look at myself and answer Switchfoot's question, "This is your life; are you who you want to be?"

I was at the beach with my family last week and I ended up driving down on my own Sunday after church. Knowing it would be at least a 4 hour drive, I figured that'd be as good a time as any to start my soul searching. I had borrowed a book on CD called "Developing the Leader Within You" by John C. Maxwell because we've gone through some structural changes at Mosaic and I want to be sure that as I'm accepting new responsibilities, I'm also doing a better and better job of caring for the people who are serving with me. As I left church Sunday I popped in the CD to see how I could become a better leader. Little did I know that it would spotlight a major construction zone and ultimately lead me to this look at myself.

There were multiple phrases that stuck out in my mind: "If you want to continue leading, you have to continue changing." "Half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up to get it." "If you can't lead yourself, you can't lead others." "Growth is only possible when the leader is willing to pay the price for it." And all of a sudden, I felt like I was missing my hard hat. And steel toed boots and hammer. Or maybe a bulldozer. I knew why these particular things were standing out in my mind. If I want to be a better leader for my volunteers, I have to start by being a better me. And that means better self-discipline. ie: "Achieving what you really want by doing things you don't really want to do." Thanks a lot, John. Does construction tape come with this book?

So three things come to mind and while I feel that it's really more fair for them to present themselves one at a time, they're here and they're related, so I'm ready to face them head on. Food. Exercise. Prayer. I'll just hope that they land on my hard hat.

If you saw the word food and immediately thought, "Oh, whatever! You're skinny. What are you talking about?" I'd like to not only challenge you to re-think the appropriateness of that judgemental thought, but then I'd also like to take it under my jackhammer. Allow me to get on my soapbox for just a minute and say that it's double-standard attitudes like that - "I'm allowed to struggle with food and what I eat because that's the body I was born with but you're not allowed to because you're, what, a size 4?!" - that contribute to eating disorders in "little" girls. Let's face it. It doesn't matter if you're a 0 or a 14, if you're a woman, you're going to have body image issues and there's no point in turning against each other and making someone feel bad about her struggles just because she's smaller than you. (Excuse me while I step down.)

I'm a closet eater. Somedays I get home for dinner and think, "What did I really eat today?" because I can't remember sitting down to have lunch. But when I think back to it, I grabbed a cookie at a meeting, a granola bar during recess, some chocolate during my planning period and a bag of chips after school. Oh yeah, and then I had another cookie on my way to the car. I'm the kind of person who will eat an entire container of Oreos without realizing it. I just don't stop until they're gone. Jody jokes that a mouse lives in my kitchen cabinet because it's never very full. But that's because I can't fill it up full. Or I empty it within a day or two by eating all my new and exciting foods. Or I'll go out to dinner and bring half back in a to-go box. Yet by the time I get home, I'll not only finish it but add some (fill in the blank) to go with it. And scrounge for some chocolate for dessert. I have no self-control for food. If I see it - regardless of being hungry or not - I'll eat it. This is clearly an area where I need self-discipline. Not to starve myself or anything ridiculous like that. This is to better myself. But to eat regular meals and be more healthy. That's the plan.

And the same thing goes for exercise. I've always got a good excuse why I "can't" go. It's raining. I'm tired. I have a meeting after work. I'm wearing green today. Whatever. When I'm in the routine, I'm good to go. But it's getting back into it - after a year hiatus with the "National Boards" excuse - that I'm not looking forward to. I know I can run. It's just a matter of getting to the gym and on the treadmill. Self-discipline lacking.

The third thing, which seems like it should be the easiest, is probably the hardest of all. Better quiet times. Praying. Reading my bible - regularly. Giving God a chance to speak to me because I've turned my thoughts off and am just listening. Besides having a million excuses - even more than for getting out of the gym - this is a difficult one for me because I'm such a busybody. With a constant to-do list, scheduling time to read and just sit is difficult. Because it feels like there's always something more important to do. But I know in my heart that when it comes down to it, there is nothing more important. I can't do any of this on my own. Clearly my self-discipline is lacking. But if I allow God to help me, which does require me getting out of my own way, then I know that this can be done. And while eating and exercise may seem trivial in the way of changing the world, I know that it's just the beginning for me. It's my stepping stone of taking down the caution tape and letting God in to help me rebuild who I am. Without reading His word and talking to Him, it's like trying to build without a blueprint. Maybe that's how I ended up in the construction zone to begin with.

I turn 26 on Saturday. It's the beginning of a new year for me. A year where there's major potential for things to change. Mosaic's moved buildings and we're working to turn greatness to excellence. I can float along and do what's required on Sunday mornings or I can be so in tune to God's voice that I know who really needs a touch and take better care of my volunteers. I'll be in new leadership at work, as Grade Chair of the Kindergarten team. I can go to the meetings and communicate to the teachers what they need to do, or I can go above my professional expectations and bring the team together as a family. Finding myself - once again - in a long distance relationship, I can make it work the best I know how and do whatever's comfortable or I can trust God to guide me, listen for His direction and be open to where he's leading me, whichever direction or however hard, it may be.

Ultimately I know I'm my best self when I'm fully connected to God. So if it means some butt kicking self discipline and doing things I don't want to do to ultimately do what I - and God - do want, then bring on the hard hat. I'm ready to work.

And maybe some tylenol, too.

Is enough ever enough?

I've been having a debate. With myself. I'm wondering why good intentions die and if it's okay to let them. Or! If it's as Winston Churchill said, "We should never ever ever ever give up."

I know that you can't please everyone. And I know that in life, there will always be people you can't please. People who don't like you, regardless of what you do, say, or how many times you reach out. Regardless of how genuine your attempts really are or how much you genuinely want to have a relationship with them. What I don't understand is why. Especially when there seems to be no reason.

I've got a hurt in my heart because I can't build this specific friendship. It's important to me - and I've tried - but I seem to get hurt every time. It's amazing how deep short remarks and cold shoulders can dig. Especially when you're just trying to offer yourself. Nothing fake. Nothing forced. Just friendship. Part of me says to just move on and forget it. That anyone worth being friends with won't be intentionally hurtful, regardless of how meaningless and small the act of being ignored may seem. But another part of me wants to keep trying. Because I feel like if I can just figure out what I did - why I'm unlovable to this person - I can break down whatever wall of hurt I've somehow put up and find a friendship with someone who I think is actually a lot like me. But do I say something? Or just follow suit and pretend like there's not tension between us? I guess for now all I can do is be willing. Until I figure out the answer to the debate.

At the same time I'm on the other end of the spectrum with another relationship. I was hurt pretty badly by a close friend who intentionally ran our friendship into the ground. And then ran over it with a truck. Hurt after hurt after hurt, I was the one who decided the friendship wasn't worth it. When trust and respect aren't there, a relationship just doesn't work. And when you add intentional degrading, forget it. After not speaking for about a year, this person recently approached me to apologize. I was completely blown away and immediately brought to tears. We talked, I granted forgiveness that was asked of me, and I'm hoping that this change is genuine. I really hope so. Because I'd love to have my friend back.

On the off chance that friend #2 is reading this, thank you. You restored my faith in people and encouraged the side of me that thinks I should never give up on anyone. I missed you. And I hope you're back for good. Hopefully I can figure out how I've hurt person #1 and will be able to have another restoration. Because man...letting go of that hurt was such a relief for my heart. I was carrying around pain that I didn't even realize was weighing me down because I'd been ignoring it.

Besides, who ever has too many friends?

The Magic of Childhood

I've always been enamored with children. I hung out in the nursery at church when I was 10. Begged my mom to babysitt until I was 12 and she finally gave in. I wave at them when I'm driving. I play with them across restaurants. I make faces at them when they stare at me in the grocery store. Or maybe enamored isn't the right word. Maybe I'm mystified.

Have you ever noticed what it is about children? They sparkle and shine with potential. Their innocence, their curiosity, their trust. Nothing is impossible to them because their world is so exciting. Learning the smallest thing is a wonder because it's all fresh and new. Nothing is ever irrelevant or useless. Nothing is inconsequential or routine. A prism that throws out a rainbow when it catches light, dandelions growing outside a classroom for the sole purpose of becoming the perfect wedding boquet for their teacher, bubbles that come from nothing but a wand and their own breath; kids don't take anything for granted. They want to know how and why things work but if they can't understand it and it can't be explained, it's okay. Because they'll justify it as magic. Things happen just because they do. Because we believe they will.

I just finished watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" and while I promise not to give it away, it tugged at the innermost stirrings of my heart. The Polar Express always chokes me up because the children learn to believe in magic and things unseen. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory has been a favorite of mine for as long as I can remember because Charlie Bucket learns to believe in his own potential when nobody else would. As someone who's always "bought into" the magic of childhood, this proved to be no exception. Is it just that I haven't grown up and I'm still naive enough to play pretend? Or maybe, just maybe, is there something more? Could it be because I see that magic is just a reflection of faith?

I want to believe in toy stores that come to life. And I want to believe in magical trains that take children to the North Pole and back all in one night. I want to believe in the good in people and that whatever anyone tells me, however they explain things, is true. Because the child within me refuses to grow up. She refuses to believe that things have to be proved or explained to be trusted. My whole life revolves around this principle; magic - the impossible becoming possible - is real, and something to be totally trusted. Having faith in things that I can't understand - that things in my life will always work out no matter how confusing or impossible they seem at the time - is the only thing that keeps me going. Only to me, it's not just magic; it's faith in God. He is the magician who can turn everything around. He is the one who puts color in things that appear to be dull and lifeless. He is the one who can make anything happen. He's the one who puts magic into dandelions and bubbles and prisms. And it's Him, within us, who makes us sparkle and shine. God is constantly working his "magic" around us; we just have to have faith and believe in order to see it.

We believed in magic when we were kids. So it's inherently in us to be mystified by things that shouldn't logically be able to happen. But we've stopped looking and began to require an explanation of why. We dismiss dandelions as weeds and don't notice the rainbows that are splashed throughout the day. God is still demonstrating his "magic" to us, we just hardened our hearts to the simple things. We've stopped noticing, wondering and admiring. Even though she gets blocked by the have-to's and responsibilities of life, I'm so glad the child in me won't stop believing, won't stop having faith in the impossible, won't stop trusting and relying on a God that she just can't explain. Won't stop basing her life on that childlike faith.

"I don’t know why grownups don’t believe what they did when they were kids" says nine year old Eric at the beginning of the movie. "I mean, aren’t they supposed to be smarter?"