A Beloved Pearl Necklace

And now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:20)

Have you ever heard something so many times that it starts to lose it's effect? Did you ever play this game? My sister and I used to say a word over and over and over and over again until it didn't make any sense anymore. Try it. Once you say a word - any word - enough times you're like...what am I saying? What does that even mean?! I think we do that with other things, too. Like the advice that our mothers give us. You know, that SAME piece of advice that you get whether you just don't know what to do in a certain situation or someone has broken your heart. We hear it and it's like, "Thanks mom" and you're genuinely appreciative for her concern, but at the same time, you're not all about running out and doing exactly what she just said. And any Christian can tell you John 3:16. "For God so loved the world..." yeah, yeah, we just finish it on our own without really thinking about it. I tend to do that more and more. In a way I honestly feel cool and like I'm somehow growing when I can quote scripture. I will be the FIRST person to admit that I don't know it like a lot of people do. I have friends who can tell you exactly when something happened, what else was happening in the time period, who they're brothers and sisters were and what the law said about it at that time. And then there's me. I get into a conversation where I think I could genuinely contribute something helpful but instead, thanks to my lack of memorized passages, I'm literally like, "Yeah...there's a verse somewhere that says something about...like...um...I think Jesus was involved somehow..." *crap* And that's about all I get out. I seriously rejoice in those moments when I can not only recall what I am thinking, but also get it out of my mouth in a half coherent manner. I had one of those moments today.

Naeem gives us the same benediction every Sunday and well, after 2 times a week for a few months, you start to just remember it. And the last couple of Sundays I've noticed myself either thinking through or mouthing along with him as he said it. And then this morning, I was like [enter hallelujah chorus here] - WAIT! I'm actually HEARING this! "God can do more than all we could ask or imagine..." God can do more than we can imagine?! Are you sure about this, Lord? Because I have a REALLY active imagination! I tend to figure out surprises, I have been known to anticipate things as a bigger deal than they actually turn out to be and I have big dreams for myself. BIG. But God knows. And He can do it. More than I could ask or imagine? Wow. That's some big God. I just tend to forget that and try to compartmentalize Him.

This means big and happy things for me. For example, I thought I had the perfect man before. He was perfect for me and everyone we met told us how perfect we were together. On my bad days, he was there for me. On his bad days, I was there for him. He left off where I started and I could tell what he was thinking before he said it out loud. People told us how God was going to use us in a big way to reach the world. We were going to be such a powerful Christian couple and effect the lives of THOUSANDS of people. Okay, so he dreamed big, too. So much that we were going to start "Big God Church." :) But then God showed me that this wasn't actually that perfect person that I thought he was. Not that he did anything wrong, but God just has other things in store for me. I've already done things and reached people that I never would've had the opportunity to do if I would've done what I thought was best instead of listening to God's dreams. And if I can dream of that and then some (because trust me, I've got high expectations and big hopes for myself), then I can only imagine what God has in store.

Now, before I get anybody too riled up, I know that there are still holds I have to let go of. Using this same situation (because it's the first one that comes to mind and - quite frankly - one that I know a lot of my friends are dealing with), that doesn't mean that I can just dream up my perfect situation or see something that looks promising and be like, "That's mine. God dreamed it for me." I still have to let go of my dreams and my plans for my life. It's kind of a funny situation where I have to let go of the great things that I want for my life so that God can deliver something even better, but that's just how it works.

At the risk of making this blog so long that no one will actually read it, I have a story. It's one that my dear friend Lisa Wilcoski shared with us at a women's retreat that I went to in college. Here's the short version: There was a little girl who loved her daddy very much. And every day when he came home from work, she would run to meet him at the door and wrap herself around his legs and tell him how much she loved him. One day he came home with a gift for the little girl. It wasn't anything too fancy, just a little plastic necklace resembling pearls. She didn't care that it didn't cost him much or that the white coating easily chipped off the small beads when she played with it because it was a gift from her daddy and he had given it to her because he loved her. The next day when he came home from work, she again met him at the door and wrapped her arms around him and told him that she loved him. She expressed her sincere appreciation for her gift and told him how much she loved it. This happened day after day and she always greeted him with the necklace still on. Then one day, when her daddy came home from work, he asked the little girl to give the necklace back. "No, Daddy!" she cried. It was her necklace and she loved it. It had been a gift to her. How dare he want to take it back? Day after day again, he came home and asked her if she loved him and asked for the necklace back. He didn't have any reasons, he just asked for her to give it up. Day after day she fought with him and was upset about losing her little plastic necklace. Then one day, she grew tired of fighting. She saw how it was changing the way she ran to her daddy every day and, brokenhearted and with tears in her eyes, when he asked for the necklace, she gave it back to him. And when she did, he pulled out a new necklace, made of real pearls. He said, "I've had this for you for so long, but I had to wait for you to let go of your plastic pearls before I could give you the real ones." I had to wait for you to let go of what you thought was so wonderful so that I could give you something so much better.

God has big things in plan for us and He wants us to dream big for ourselves so that He can deliver even more than we could've ever hoped for. But we have to be willing to let go of what we think is best in order for Him to provide that unbelievable gift, the one that will blow our minds and all that we ever imagined.

There Are Some Things That Money Can't Buy

....for everything else, there's God.

Mission Trip Deposit: $700
24 hours of raising funds: A night's worth of sleep.
8 wonderful people: Priceless.

I'm too exited to type. I can't even type in full thoughts. So, please excuse my randomness. But here is the basic deal: I am going to Nicaragua this summer. I've known I was going since Hailey announced it at church in passing. I knew I was going before they even knew that I was interested, let alone started praying about the team. I just knew this was something God wanted me to do. I am excited to change lives in Nicaragua. I am excited for the amazing ways that God is going to change my life over this time period. And more than anything, I am excited...I am blessed...I am honored...to be part of Mosaic's 1st Mission Team. We are partnering with Seacoast on a medical trip. We'll be setting up clinics in various villages and we'll also be visiting a school that has been built there. There are many doctors going from Seacoast and they have asked us Mosaicanites to help support them. We'll be assisting in giving health care, we'll be working with the children at the school, we'll be leading worship and giving out bibles and supplies and pretty much just be talking to people about Jesus. Out of everyone at Mosaic, there are only 5 spots available for people to go...and I am one of them. That, in and of itself, to be part of Mosaic's 1st Mission Team and help launch another ministry in Charlotte...that alone is enough. But God is making it obvious that isn't all He wants to do with me. And it is a very humbling experience.

We had our first official meeting last night and found out that we need to have $700 in by next Monday. Yes. That's $700 in one week. Not enough time to write support letters. Not even enough time to wait on checks to come in the mail. So I started making phone calls and talking to people that I knew would understand the abruptness of my request. It was pretty much like this..."Hi. Did you know that I'm going to Nicaragua? Because I am. And I just had a meeting. And it costs $1500 but I need $700 by Monday. Yeah, yeah, that's one week. So do you want to support me? That's great. But I need to know now. And how much." Ok, so maybe it was a little more refined than that (I pretty much just knew that God would provide and tried to let Him do the talking) and here I am...24 hours later...with the deposit paid in full.

Leslie, Matt, Lisa, Briana, Whitley, Amanda, Matt, Laura. To these people...I owe this opportunity. Thank you for letting God work in you. Thank you for giving to the Lord's mission. I promise I will do my best to let Him use me. Something HUGE is going to happen in Nicaragua this summer. I just know it. My heart screams it. And it is thanks to the eight of you that I am able to write the check for my deposit. I know that you are not rich people with money to just throw around and I have no doubt that God will surely bless your generosity.

There is a song by Ray Boltz that is old and people that don't quite get it may think that it's a little bit cheesy, but it keeps coming back to me day after day as I think about this trip and it brings me to my knees. Just thinking about the truth of it's message brings me to tears even now. It's called, "Thank You" and it is pretty much the epitomy of what my hope is for this trip. This is the influence that I'm striving to make, both in Charlotte and Nicaragua. And to those of you who have provided a way for me (and those of you who have yet to give and want to help me raise the other $800), you are as much a part of this mission as I am. And you should be proud of your contribution. The tears that are running down my cheeks in this very moment are because I know what all of your prayers and support will do. And I am completely humbled to be a part of it.

I dreamed I went to heaven
And you were there with me.
We walked upon the streets of gold
Beside the crystal sea.
We heard the angels singing
Then someone called your name.
You turned and saw this young man
And he was smiling as he came.
And he said, "Friend you may not know me now"
And then he said, "but wait.
You used to teach my Sunday School
When I was only eight.
And every week you would say a prayer
Before the class would start
And one day when you said that prayer,
I asked Jesus in my heart."

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

Then another man stood before you
And said, "Remember the time
A missionary came to your church
And his pictures made you cry.
You didn't have much money
But you gave it anyway.
Jesus took the gift you gave
And that's why I'm here today."

One by one they came
Far as the eyes could see.
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity.
Little things that you had done,
Sacrifices made,
Unnoticed on the earth
In heaven now proclaimed.

And I know that up in heaven
You're not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes.
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord,
He said, "My child look around you
For great is your reward."

Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord.
I am so glad you gave.

Someday My Prince Will Come

So this was apparently the weekend of love. Or even more specifically, of marriage. Last night was the wedding of my amazing friends, Shawn and Kalle, and this morning Geoff and Sherry Surratt came to speak to us at Mosaic about marriage. Kalle was more than breathtaking and Shawn was the epitomy of the loving husband. As she started walking down the aisle (to a beautiful chorus of Hallelujahs), he cried...and then so did everyone else. I could do nothing but smile.

Now, one (including myself), might have expected me to be sad and weepy for what might have been in my own life. Or for the fact that I am still single, watching yet another friend move into that stage of adulthood. But I have to say it again...I could do nothing but smile.

It was incredible to see them so happy. So in love. And when the pastor talked about them, it was EXACTLY what I want someone to someday say about me. That this couple exhudes the love of Christ and that they are starting down the road of their new mission. Because that is what God calls us to as people, and then as couples. And one day, it will happen for me.

How do I know this? Because a verse that was shared on Saturday morning at prayer (2 Corinthians 2:14) keeps coming back to me, "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession..." because he wants us to succeed. Always. And because of Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows what I want. He created those desires within us. And as long as I continue to focus on Him and find my happiness in Him, He will give me what I desire. I just have to accept that it is in His timing and wait on the Lord. I'm not saying that I have it all together and I don't have my moments of "awww...I want that!" But for the most part, I've come a long way and I'm learning. God's definitely showing me that He is preparing someone for me. Someone better than I could've ever picked out myself.

Ephesians 5:25 says (as was discussed at the wedding last night), "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy..." Someone to love me unconditionally? As much as I love them? That's what's been missing in the relationships I've chosen on my own. Someone who loves me like I've never experienced. A truly equal relationship where he gives as much as I do. Someone who will cry at the thought that the most beautiful woman he's ever met will soon appear in the doorway to be his forever. Someone who will never stop being amazed by my heart. Someone to minister with, to show not only me - but the world - the love of Christ. One day, someone will love me that much.

And if waiting on God to complete the works that He has already started is what I have to wait for, then I am absolutely content in that. For we can only imagine what God can do. And He has our best interests at heart. I just have to listen and follow Him without trying to take matters into my own hands and pursuing my own destinies.

One day, my prince will come. And He will love me with the love of Christ, which is far better than anything I could ever find on my own. But until then, I am happy with me. As long as I stay with God.

I Think I'm Gonna Vomit

Because my worst fear is coming true. Not that the green faced witch from the Wizard of Oz actually does know where I live, but that people are coming to see me as I really am. Not perfect. Eh. It makes me cringe just to say it.

I don't think I'm the type of person who comes off as holier-than-thou. At least, I do my best to be sure that ISN'T the case. But I have this secret side of me that wants to be the best. Not necessarily in comparison to anyone else, but just in my own mind. I strive for it, I long for it, I push for it...and when it doesn't happen, I get upset. I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping this hidden, but I think it's because I was even hiding it from myself. It wasn't until this week when I realized I had triple booked myself for every single day and I had no choice but to throw my hands up in the air and say "I CAN'T DO THIS" that I realized it. I am a perfectionist and that is not a good quality to have.

There is a difference between excellence and perfection. Excellence is doing things well - more than well - and putting time and hard work into things, but it still allows me room to breathe. It's my perfectionistic side that keeps putting more and more on my plate. You need me to make phone calls? Sure! (Never mind the fact that I'll have to be calling these people at 12:30 at night.) You need me to send emails? Sure! (Forget that I'll be doing it during the 30 minutes that I have a parent volunteer reading to my students.) You need me to make food for a party? Run to the other side of town and pick up a few things? Start a new ministry? Sure! (I'll just sacrifice the 5 hours of sleep a night that I've been getting and figure out a way to do it then.) It kills me to ask for help. It kills me to say that I can't do something for someone because they are ALL good and honorable and things that need to be done and my servant's heart wants nothing more than to oblige and help out. After all, it's all in order to further the Kingdom, so how can this not be what I'm supposed to do?? But I've seen that this is not right. Perfection is not of God. Well, it is for Him, because only He is perfect, but not for me. It is just wearing and self-deflating.

I want to do everything and help everyone. I want to take on more responsibilities to free up others to meet with people. I want to be used and make a difference and have an impact on the lives of many...even if they don't know that I was even involved. I want to be Wonder Woman and I want to do it all!! But unfortunately, I can't. And I hate admitting that...especially to myself.

Wanna Wrestle?

Naeem finished up our series on prayer on Sunday. The week before he had said that when we pray we need to have an honest desire to do God's will and not secretly want to put ours first. Then one of the last things he said this Sunday was that we have to wrestle with God for what we want because He likes that interaction and that fight for the true desires of our heart. I didn't really get how those fit together. I went to Borders with Jody on Sunday to try and figure this out. Here's just a sampling of what I actually wrote:

"... But how is that not a contradiction?! I don't understand how I can be all like, "Your will, your will, your will, your will...but now I am going to tackle you to the ground until you give me what I want." ?? That does not make sense! ..."

I talked to Naeem about it a little more Sunday night and got some clarification of what he meant. Pretty much, I am supposed to wrestle with God for what I want, but at the same time, I still need to realize that what I want and what He wants aren't always the same thing. If all of a sudden God shows me that what I want ISN'T what He wants, then I need to give it up and follow His way. (Which is what I'm actually praying for and not exactly finding any answers right now. But that is a different blog altogether...)

I got to talk to Ashley Hayes tonight, who is quickly becoming one of my all-time favorite people ever. She knows all of my business (you know, that yuck stuff that you don't share with most people) and I got to unload on her tonight. I really believe that God speaks to us through people and I am lucky enough to be blessed by her. I was sharing with her all of my struggles with prayer and how I've been seriously wrestling God for these desires that I have. And I was asking her why, instead of getting what I want or the desires just disappearing, they are just getting STRONGER with no hope in sight of being granted. I mean, seriously. What's up with that, God? Another insert from Sunday:

"... And I have been praying for you to take that away. You have chosen - in all of your infinte wisdom - not to listen and not only NOT take them away, but make them 100 times stronger. ..."

If something is going to come of them, then fine. I can deal. But if not...take it away! Hello!! But tonight Ashley helped me to see that it's not all about me OR the desires of my heart...even if by some small chance they ARE from God. If He has put something within me but isn't ready to give me any guidance yet, then I just have to go back to the last thing that God told me to do, which is to be in Charlotte. And to be a part of the Mosaic team. So I need to focus on that. And on Him. That's another thing she reminded me of. God is probably using this to grow something in me. I need to take these distractions - especially on the days where I just want to (but can't!) turn my brain off - and push through them. Pray through them. Focus on God instead of being so distracted by them. Because that will truly be wrestling with God AND still ultimately desiring His will. Even if it sucks to be in the unknown and have these ridiculous desires that I'm just waiting on...if I can push through it, then no matter what happens, I'll come out the Champion. Because either my desires will fade as I refocus my attention on the Lord, or He will eventually make something come of them.

Ding, Ding. Round 2, Lord. Bring it on.

Can I Hear You Now?

My life may touch a dozen lives before the day is done.
Leave countless marks of good or ill, e'er sets the evening sun.
This the wish I always wish, the prayer I always pray:
Lord, may my life help other lives it touches by the way.
-John Maxwell

I heard this poem read during a retreat at my old church. It was like 4 years ago. I have no idea what the theme of the weekend was or even what the particular message was. But I remember looking at Matt Wilcoski as he was reading the poem, barely touching on it before he moved on and I think I memorized it in that moment. This poem has kind of become my own secret life's goal, a reminder that always hits my heart. And for some reason, it has come back to me again.

On Wednesday, Naeem was encouraging us to not lose the mission that we're on. Yes, it's incredible the ways that God has blessed His people of Mosaic. Two services and 550 people after only 3 months of holding services?! Faithful tithes that most churches don't see in their first year?! Lots of wonderful volunteers who are ready to give their lives to service?! It is literally UNbelievable all of the stories of things that God is doing within our family. However! What we need to remember is that IT'S NOT ABOUT MOSAIC. It's clearly obvious that we are doing something right because of all of the blessings that have been poured out on us. But here's what I think that "something" is - we have people who are fully devoted to giving their lives wholly over to the Lord and His work. The mission isn't to hold more services or get more families attending Mosaic. We could have 1,000 people and 6 weekly services and still be doing nothing. What we really need to look at are the people who ARE coming. And whether or not they are really living.

This was a really big pride check for me because I was finding it very easy to be proud of myself. I was never "that girl" who brought all kinds of people to church. But here...there are almost a dozen women that I work with - and their families - who now attend Mosaic regularly. Plus other students from school and their families, and it is so encouraging to see on Sunday mornings. I never had the ignorant attitude that it was all about me because God is OBVIOUSLY doing some work in their hearts. This is not something that could EVER happen due to my own efforts. But it was pretty cool look out on Sunday mornings and be like "I invited you, I invited you, I invited you, I invited you..." and know that they were all there because of me. But what I realized while Naeem was talking on Wednesday is this - it doesn't matter. None of that even matters. It does not matter if the ENTIRE staff of Mountain Island started coming to Mosaic through my invite if they're not getting it. What matters is if they are allowing God to reach their hearts.

I'm sitting here listening to him during 1st Wednesday when I look over at a friend of mine (one of these staff members who has not only been coming to Mosaic, but also volunteering) and she is crying through communion. After we were done, she came up to me and almost started crying again. This lead to an almost 2 1/2 hour conversation about God. And she said to me, when I asked her what her first thoughts were, "I just felt the presence of God." Hallelujah!! :) Yes!! Someone is actually getting it. God is getting through.

I had to laugh - as I often do - at God's timing. Right as Naeem was encouraging us and right as I was feeling this need to invest more with the women who who have accepted my invitation and come, He was working on the heart of one of them and revealing Himself to her in that moment. It's not about you, Kristin. It's about God working IN you. John 3:30 is what it's all about: "He must increase, I must decrease." Because when I actually focus and kick my pride out of the way, He does amazing things. And it blows my mind to think of the extent to which He allows me to be a part of it.

My life may touch a dozen lives before the day is done.
Leave countless marks of good or ill, e'er sets the evening sun.
This the wish I always wish, the prayer I always pray:
Lord, may my life help other lives it touches by the way.

And yes, I DID steal this title from Naeem. But you are more than welcome to go hear his original message....here.