Wanna Wrestle?

Naeem finished up our series on prayer on Sunday. The week before he had said that when we pray we need to have an honest desire to do God's will and not secretly want to put ours first. Then one of the last things he said this Sunday was that we have to wrestle with God for what we want because He likes that interaction and that fight for the true desires of our heart. I didn't really get how those fit together. I went to Borders with Jody on Sunday to try and figure this out. Here's just a sampling of what I actually wrote:

"... But how is that not a contradiction?! I don't understand how I can be all like, "Your will, your will, your will, your will...but now I am going to tackle you to the ground until you give me what I want." ?? That does not make sense! ..."

I talked to Naeem about it a little more Sunday night and got some clarification of what he meant. Pretty much, I am supposed to wrestle with God for what I want, but at the same time, I still need to realize that what I want and what He wants aren't always the same thing. If all of a sudden God shows me that what I want ISN'T what He wants, then I need to give it up and follow His way. (Which is what I'm actually praying for and not exactly finding any answers right now. But that is a different blog altogether...)

I got to talk to Ashley Hayes tonight, who is quickly becoming one of my all-time favorite people ever. She knows all of my business (you know, that yuck stuff that you don't share with most people) and I got to unload on her tonight. I really believe that God speaks to us through people and I am lucky enough to be blessed by her. I was sharing with her all of my struggles with prayer and how I've been seriously wrestling God for these desires that I have. And I was asking her why, instead of getting what I want or the desires just disappearing, they are just getting STRONGER with no hope in sight of being granted. I mean, seriously. What's up with that, God? Another insert from Sunday:

"... And I have been praying for you to take that away. You have chosen - in all of your infinte wisdom - not to listen and not only NOT take them away, but make them 100 times stronger. ..."

If something is going to come of them, then fine. I can deal. But if not...take it away! Hello!! But tonight Ashley helped me to see that it's not all about me OR the desires of my heart...even if by some small chance they ARE from God. If He has put something within me but isn't ready to give me any guidance yet, then I just have to go back to the last thing that God told me to do, which is to be in Charlotte. And to be a part of the Mosaic team. So I need to focus on that. And on Him. That's another thing she reminded me of. God is probably using this to grow something in me. I need to take these distractions - especially on the days where I just want to (but can't!) turn my brain off - and push through them. Pray through them. Focus on God instead of being so distracted by them. Because that will truly be wrestling with God AND still ultimately desiring His will. Even if it sucks to be in the unknown and have these ridiculous desires that I'm just waiting on...if I can push through it, then no matter what happens, I'll come out the Champion. Because either my desires will fade as I refocus my attention on the Lord, or He will eventually make something come of them.

Ding, Ding. Round 2, Lord. Bring it on.