I Think I'm Gonna Vomit

Because my worst fear is coming true. Not that the green faced witch from the Wizard of Oz actually does know where I live, but that people are coming to see me as I really am. Not perfect. Eh. It makes me cringe just to say it.

I don't think I'm the type of person who comes off as holier-than-thou. At least, I do my best to be sure that ISN'T the case. But I have this secret side of me that wants to be the best. Not necessarily in comparison to anyone else, but just in my own mind. I strive for it, I long for it, I push for it...and when it doesn't happen, I get upset. I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping this hidden, but I think it's because I was even hiding it from myself. It wasn't until this week when I realized I had triple booked myself for every single day and I had no choice but to throw my hands up in the air and say "I CAN'T DO THIS" that I realized it. I am a perfectionist and that is not a good quality to have.

There is a difference between excellence and perfection. Excellence is doing things well - more than well - and putting time and hard work into things, but it still allows me room to breathe. It's my perfectionistic side that keeps putting more and more on my plate. You need me to make phone calls? Sure! (Never mind the fact that I'll have to be calling these people at 12:30 at night.) You need me to send emails? Sure! (Forget that I'll be doing it during the 30 minutes that I have a parent volunteer reading to my students.) You need me to make food for a party? Run to the other side of town and pick up a few things? Start a new ministry? Sure! (I'll just sacrifice the 5 hours of sleep a night that I've been getting and figure out a way to do it then.) It kills me to ask for help. It kills me to say that I can't do something for someone because they are ALL good and honorable and things that need to be done and my servant's heart wants nothing more than to oblige and help out. After all, it's all in order to further the Kingdom, so how can this not be what I'm supposed to do?? But I've seen that this is not right. Perfection is not of God. Well, it is for Him, because only He is perfect, but not for me. It is just wearing and self-deflating.

I want to do everything and help everyone. I want to take on more responsibilities to free up others to meet with people. I want to be used and make a difference and have an impact on the lives of many...even if they don't know that I was even involved. I want to be Wonder Woman and I want to do it all!! But unfortunately, I can't. And I hate admitting that...especially to myself.