It's not me, It's you.

I'm sitting here at the end of Spring Break with absolutely nothing to do. Yes, it was nice for a couple of days at the beach to not have work and things to stress me out. But now, after a couple days of that, I am just BORED!! I do not relax too easily. I just get restless and want something to do. So tonight, after eating pizza and watching "Sleepless in Seattle" with Jody and Briana, it was back to myspace...and some major farting around. I have been cracking myself up with these silly tests that you can take and put on your myspace page. They are hilarious. Let's see, this is what I've learned so far: I should live in Rome; if I was a shoe, I'd be a stiletto (duh!); if I was coffee, I'd be a cappuccino; my 80s Heart-throb is Michael J. Fox and my inner Pop Princess is Beyonce. Riiiight. I'm just laughing and having fun learning about myself and then...it happened. I had a truly life changing experience. I had a real revelation. I learned that these myspace quizzes are not jokes. They are real and give true insight into our lives. Why the change of heart? Because. I took another quiz that showed me the light...

You are a Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!

Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro. If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you. You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

Ok, so I don't know about the "you've had enough practice" part...because it makes me sound like I jump from guy to guy, which is not at all the case, but the rest of it is so true. I am a pro. I am the greatest. And I am the perfect girlfriend. So the problem here is obvious. Sorry, boys. It's not me, it's you.

Now is the time to begin.

So today was a workday and I love it because I get to watch shows that I love but never get to see. I watched "Regis and Kelly" because I think Kelly Rippa is TOO cute and hilarious and I want to be her. I watched "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" because it makes me feel smart and then I watched "The Cosby Show" because, well, duh. It's the best ever. Eventually that afternoon lull hits when it's all really old movies or soap operas and there's nothing good on. So I checked out the movies that Jody had brought and grabbed an old favorite..."My Best Friend's Wedding." It's funny because I can literally quote that movie in it's entirety. (I know because I tried it today. And I can.) So I'm watching the movie and it gets to the end credits. And then I start to cry. haha Not actual tears, I guess, just teary-eyed. You're probably thinking I'm a little off my rocker for crying at the credits rather than the movie itself, but I have good reason. As I'm lugging desks around my room, I just listened to the words of the song rolling with the credits and I took it as a reminder of how incredible my life is. And this all thanks to the God that never leaves us. The song's called "I'll be Okay" and it's by Amanda Marshall:

It's time to let you go.
It's time to say goodbye.
There's no more excuses.
No more tears to cry.
There's been so many changes,
I was so confused.
All along you were the one.
All the time I never knew.

I want you to be happy.
You're my best friend.
But it's so hard to let you go now,
All that could have been.
I'll always have the memories.
She'll always have you.
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you don't want it to.

Throw away the chains.
Let love fly away.
'Till love comes again...
I'll be okay.

Life passes so quickly.
You gotta take the time.
Or you'll miss what really matters,
You'll miss all the signs.
I've spent my life searching
For what was always there.
Sometimes it will be too late.
Sometimes it won't be fair.

I won't give up.
I won't give in.
I can't recreate what just might have been.
I know that my heart will find love again.
Now is the time to begin.

Throw away the chains.
Let love fly away.
'Till love comes again...
I'll be okay.

Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes it changes just when I don't want it to and it seems like things will never be the same. But I can't go back to how life was and I can't dwell on the hurts and the memories. I have to move on from situations and disappointments and see all of the beauty in life that awaits me right now. God will never give up on me (or you!) and He doesn't want me to miss what really matters in life. Stop searching. God will provide me with whatever I need if I trust and rely on him.

I am (more than) okay. :)

Bagels from Heaven

Remember in Exodus when Moses and all his homeys (the Isrealites) were wandering around in the desert? They were all like, "Dude! We should have stayed in Egypt and been slaves because at least we would have had plenty of food to eat!" (I, I guarantee you, would have been that very Isrealite!) They were all complaining about not having their chocolate chip cookies and pizza...or whatever it was that they would've eaten then. (That's what I'd be missing!) Moses and Aaron were like, "Hello! Why are you complaining about no food? You think that you're complaining about us not providing for you, but reeeeeeally, you're complaining about God. And that's some serious business." Ok. HOLD UP! Because that was totally me on Sunday...

We have movie night every week and I love it. It's my main time to get to know new people and hang out and just have fun with other Mosaicanites. I like to play hostess every week (I say "play" hostess because it's not technically at my house), but this week my regular partners in crime (Gil and Joel) were M.I.A. So! It was up to me. (Really, we all know who's in charge regardless of whether they're present or not, but I'll let them keep the dream alive...) ;) I usually help the food situation by taking some myself, but since this month's bank account is just about M.I.A. itself so I decided it was for the best to just leave it to everyone else this week. Well!! Apparently that was the case for EVERYONE because it was like 7:30 and we had 20-ish people there and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to eat!!! Ah! I tried to play it cool and continue as the hostess with the mostest, but inside I was freaking out. Of course, it had to be the week that I was running it on my own that this would happen! So I'm grumbling in my head about why no one decided to bring anything and was just about to walk out the door to run to Food Lion when...(enter the choir of angels singing here)...James and Jaime walk in with 3 BAGS of PANERA!!! Seriously, we had so much food that I ended up forcing people to take some home AND I've been eating it for breakfast every morning. :) Thank you, Jesus, for providing food for all of those people, even AFTER I was grumbling about them and their failing to provide for me. I guess it wasn't them I was grumbling against, but the Lord. And THAT, as I said, is some serious business. I personally think that God has a GREAT sense of humor and I think that he may have just prolonged James and Jaime's entrance at my expense. Not to punish me or anything evil like that, just for a laugh. And maybe to teach me a lesson! ha I definitely learned it and I'm glad that God was able to laugh at me all night. I really think that He did...I just kept getting this feeling of that. :) Not in humilitiation, but just because it takes me so long to remember who's in charge sometimes. Hey. If it's going to make God roll on the floor, then I guess I'm glad not to be perfect! Thanks for providing, Lord! Aaaaaand that it was pastries from Panera instead of manna...how incredible!!

Ready or not...

...here it comes. Kindergarten, that is. Because apparently that's where I'm moving to for next year.

My principal called me into her office yesterday morning right before school to tell me that she's thinking of moving me for next year. I think I gave her that deer in the headlights look. She told me that she wants to move me to kindergarten because she thinks I'd be a good fit there. My warm smile, my positive attitude, the way that I'm all lovey with my students...these are some of the reasons why she thinks I'd be a great kindergarten teacher. Then she asked me what my thoughts were on that. I very politely said, "No thank you. I'd prefer to stay where I am." When she looked like she was about to start again, I added, through tear blurred vision, "It's not something that I'd quit my job over, I'd just really rather stay in 1st grade." Her response? "Okay, well, when we have our staff retreat at the end of the year, I'd like you to sit with the kindergarten team." That was pretty much that.

I didn't know what to say and I think I started crying right after I walked out of her office. I told a couple of the girls who teach right next to me because they could see that I was obviously upset. Jody even got a little teary eyed. But my students were already standing at my door, so I had to rush to the bathroom and clean myself up, pulling everything together to present a brave face. I didn't really have a chance to deal, which I think is partly why it turned into such a big episode.

We had spring pictures that morning and all of 1st grade had them about the same time, so I was able to tell the rest of my team. Some (my girls) more than others, but they were upset, too. Kelly kept asking me if there was anything that we could do. She even wanted to get our whole team together to ask our principal to keep me where I was. I told her that it was pretty much set and got a little teary eyed again. Yay for being next to take my picture! I think I'll call it, "The After" face.

I took my kids to art not much later and then I had some time to actually cope. I called my mom and just started crying. She did a good job, too, of not trying to make me change my thinking, but of just listening and saying what I needed to hear. (She's getting better at that because I think she realizes that after I deal for a bit, my rationalities always come back to balance out my emotions.) Then of course I had to go back into the building all red and splotchy to pick up my kids. It didn't help that any time I saw another teacher - even people that I hadn't told! - they knew and asked me about it. Don't get me wrong, it was really nice to see how concerned everyone is for my happiness, but it also made sure that I was thinking about it all day long. I feel bad that people had to see my reaction this morning when I was shocked and upset and hadn't really had a chance to process it. I hope I didn't come across too negatively. I mean, I wasn't bad mouthing anybody or anything, I was just sad. And I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. (Especially after weeks like this where I've been hit with a long stretch of bad days plus being unusually PMS-y. The news just didn't exactly come at the best time.)

Now that I'm over the initial shock of it all, I know that it won't be that bad. It's not that I don't like the other kindergarten teachers or that I'm going to hate my job, it just isn't what I prefer. I student taught both kindergarten and 1st in college, loved my 1st grade placement and had kind of a rough experience with kindergarten. That makes me a little anxious. It means buying all new things for the unit themes that are different. It means going back to being a first year teacher, spending more time at school to get things figured out that I've never taught before. It means adjusting to a brand new group of people to work with.

That's the hardest part. I am really close to the girls that I teach with...all of my best friends here and the girls I hang out with the most teach 1st grade. Now I'll be the only one of our little group who is never around at the random times that we get to see each other and have a positive in our day - lunch time, specials, planning once a week. Plus, my Jody. Whenever anybody asks me about teaching, I tell them that I love it because 1st grade is my favorite. And whenever asks me why I moved to Charlotte to do it, I tell them it's because I moved with my best friend and we get to work together which is so awesome. I won't have that anymore.

I know I will be fine and that I will learn to love kindergarten as well. I'll get to move out of the trailer park and into the building which will be nice. I'll have about 3 times as much space as before and THAT is my big positive for it right now. I'm sure there will be more, but for now it's just sad, realizing that things are changing. On one hand, I don't deal well with change - in the initial finding out that it's happening - but on the other hand, I always adjust and I will make the most of the situation. I love the school that I work at and my friends will still be there. This will just be an opportunity for us to plan more get togethers outside of work.

I know that God brought me to Charlotte for a reason. Partly for this school, partly for Mosaic, partly for things that I don't even know yet. And for some reason, He's really blessed me over the past year or two to feeling his guidance and trusting that He's leading me down the right road. And I'm just not feeling that shift in direction yet, so I know that He knows what He's doing. If this is the 1st in a series of events that makes me start to reconsider where I'm at in life right now, then I'll trust that He wants to use me somewhere else. But for now, still being content that I'm where I need to be, I'll just trust that He'll continue to take care of me. And I know that he will do that, regardless of how old my kids are.

Take this job...

One day last month Jody and I were both having a hard day at school and she told me that she wasn't coming back the next day. We joked around that we would leave our profession and become bankers. After today, I have decided. I am taking her up on that offer and I am calling Bank of America. I have connections.

Reasons for the switch:
A) Much more money with fewer hours.
B) I can go to the bathroom whenever I want.
C) Eating lunch without having to open 850 ketchup packets.
D) I can still see my kids through the protection of the teller window.
E) All the free suckers I could want.

Who could ask for more than that?

Dear Leslie,

Your heart is incredible. Your spirit is uplifting. I am encouraged every time I hear from you, whether that's in an email, a little IM love or the prayers I can feel you sending up for me. On my darkest days, when I don't like who I am and I feel like I have nothing to offer this world, I only have to hear a word of encouragement from you and I am reminded of who God made me to be. You inspire me from a thousand miles away without even realizing it. Our days of leaving each other post-its on our desks and fighting over who got to buy the Jimmy John's for lunch are over, but I so cherish this relationship that we have. I know that no matter where, no matter what and no matter who comes (and goes) along the way, I will still have you, my beautiful sister in Christ. I love you, dear!

Love,
Kristin


P.S. Leslie is the beautiful redhead on the right.