Ready or not...

...here it comes. Kindergarten, that is. Because apparently that's where I'm moving to for next year.

My principal called me into her office yesterday morning right before school to tell me that she's thinking of moving me for next year. I think I gave her that deer in the headlights look. She told me that she wants to move me to kindergarten because she thinks I'd be a good fit there. My warm smile, my positive attitude, the way that I'm all lovey with my students...these are some of the reasons why she thinks I'd be a great kindergarten teacher. Then she asked me what my thoughts were on that. I very politely said, "No thank you. I'd prefer to stay where I am." When she looked like she was about to start again, I added, through tear blurred vision, "It's not something that I'd quit my job over, I'd just really rather stay in 1st grade." Her response? "Okay, well, when we have our staff retreat at the end of the year, I'd like you to sit with the kindergarten team." That was pretty much that.

I didn't know what to say and I think I started crying right after I walked out of her office. I told a couple of the girls who teach right next to me because they could see that I was obviously upset. Jody even got a little teary eyed. But my students were already standing at my door, so I had to rush to the bathroom and clean myself up, pulling everything together to present a brave face. I didn't really have a chance to deal, which I think is partly why it turned into such a big episode.

We had spring pictures that morning and all of 1st grade had them about the same time, so I was able to tell the rest of my team. Some (my girls) more than others, but they were upset, too. Kelly kept asking me if there was anything that we could do. She even wanted to get our whole team together to ask our principal to keep me where I was. I told her that it was pretty much set and got a little teary eyed again. Yay for being next to take my picture! I think I'll call it, "The After" face.

I took my kids to art not much later and then I had some time to actually cope. I called my mom and just started crying. She did a good job, too, of not trying to make me change my thinking, but of just listening and saying what I needed to hear. (She's getting better at that because I think she realizes that after I deal for a bit, my rationalities always come back to balance out my emotions.) Then of course I had to go back into the building all red and splotchy to pick up my kids. It didn't help that any time I saw another teacher - even people that I hadn't told! - they knew and asked me about it. Don't get me wrong, it was really nice to see how concerned everyone is for my happiness, but it also made sure that I was thinking about it all day long. I feel bad that people had to see my reaction this morning when I was shocked and upset and hadn't really had a chance to process it. I hope I didn't come across too negatively. I mean, I wasn't bad mouthing anybody or anything, I was just sad. And I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. (Especially after weeks like this where I've been hit with a long stretch of bad days plus being unusually PMS-y. The news just didn't exactly come at the best time.)

Now that I'm over the initial shock of it all, I know that it won't be that bad. It's not that I don't like the other kindergarten teachers or that I'm going to hate my job, it just isn't what I prefer. I student taught both kindergarten and 1st in college, loved my 1st grade placement and had kind of a rough experience with kindergarten. That makes me a little anxious. It means buying all new things for the unit themes that are different. It means going back to being a first year teacher, spending more time at school to get things figured out that I've never taught before. It means adjusting to a brand new group of people to work with.

That's the hardest part. I am really close to the girls that I teach with...all of my best friends here and the girls I hang out with the most teach 1st grade. Now I'll be the only one of our little group who is never around at the random times that we get to see each other and have a positive in our day - lunch time, specials, planning once a week. Plus, my Jody. Whenever anybody asks me about teaching, I tell them that I love it because 1st grade is my favorite. And whenever asks me why I moved to Charlotte to do it, I tell them it's because I moved with my best friend and we get to work together which is so awesome. I won't have that anymore.

I know I will be fine and that I will learn to love kindergarten as well. I'll get to move out of the trailer park and into the building which will be nice. I'll have about 3 times as much space as before and THAT is my big positive for it right now. I'm sure there will be more, but for now it's just sad, realizing that things are changing. On one hand, I don't deal well with change - in the initial finding out that it's happening - but on the other hand, I always adjust and I will make the most of the situation. I love the school that I work at and my friends will still be there. This will just be an opportunity for us to plan more get togethers outside of work.

I know that God brought me to Charlotte for a reason. Partly for this school, partly for Mosaic, partly for things that I don't even know yet. And for some reason, He's really blessed me over the past year or two to feeling his guidance and trusting that He's leading me down the right road. And I'm just not feeling that shift in direction yet, so I know that He knows what He's doing. If this is the 1st in a series of events that makes me start to reconsider where I'm at in life right now, then I'll trust that He wants to use me somewhere else. But for now, still being content that I'm where I need to be, I'll just trust that He'll continue to take care of me. And I know that he will do that, regardless of how old my kids are.