Dizzy Glitter

Crocs on a grown man. OJ Simpson's alleged glove. Cinderella's glass slipper on the foot of her evil step sister. Sometimes things just don't fit.

My problem right now is that what doesn't fit is me.

I feel like I've been in this funk for the past couple of weeks and I'm not really sure what the deal is. I have my guesses as to what's stressing me out or bringing me down but I know it's not just that because I can't "name it and claim it" aka identify and get over the problem. It feels like there's something more.

I've only mentioned to a couple of people how I've been feeling but it seems that I've gotten slightly different responses each time. Not to say in the slightest that any of them are wrong, it's just interesting. Kind of like looking at a kalidescope. You know, the kind you hold to your eye and see the glitter and colors reflected 100 different ways as you spin it. It's like everyone's looking at the same piece of sequins but depending on which reflection they see, it looks different.

Peter, ever my encourager :) thinks it's partly a good thing I've been feeling sad. He thinks it's a good sign to have a heavy heart because it says something about our relationship. That if we didn't have some pain to carry or feel like something's not quite right, it might be a sign that we can live too easily without each other and that the feelings we have were only situational. So it's a good thing that I've been a little down and can't shake this feeling - it speaks volumes to how I really feel about him. I agree with Peter.

Julie, a thoughtful coworker and friend, sent me an email tonight just to say hey and check in because she noticed I haven't been myself lately. She encouraged me to stay positive and just keep doing what I know to be right and everything will work itself out. She reminded me to focus on the positive and fun upcoming things to look forward to because it's totally mood lifting to get excited about special things. I agree with Julie.

I can hear my mother's voice, telling me that it doesn't matter what other people think because they're just jealous of the wonderful person that I am (words straight from mom's mouth) that that's all that matters. As long as I'm happy with who I am, I shouldn't let other people get me down. If they're trying to be mean and I allow them to get to me then I'm just letting them win and have that power over me. I can't let the negative attitudes of others influence me. (I've got that speech down pretty good, wouldn't you say, mom?) I agree with my mother.

Gerardo, a wonderfully inspiring fellow Mosaician and friend, might say that I feel like I don't fit in myself right now because there's a much bigger Kristin who's ready to come out. (Not in the closet sort of way, bare with me.) I've talked with him on a couple of different occasions and he's helped me to realize that I have potential for something huge within me and the God-given desire to let it out and change the world. I just don't yet know what it is. He might say that it's about time for this new, influential Kristin to figure out what she wants to do and how God wants to use me. If that's what he'd say, then I agree with Gerardo.

That may only be a few explanations, but like eyes looking in a kalidescope, I think they can all ring true at the same time. Really, the only view that matters to me is God's and I just want to see what He sees when he looks into the kalidescope of my life. I'm sure it's full of sequins and sparkles, but I also feel like He's really turning it all around right now to watch and see for Himself how the colors fall into place. I'm fully confident that God knows who and what I will become. The beauty of the kalidescope truly comes in the movement of the pieces.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this...to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

I just need help staying focused on Him and not getting distracted by other people and things in this world while I'm waiting to see what shape the glitter of my life takes place when it's done spinning around.