Are you who you want to be?

I was sitting here, thinking about forgiveness and trying to come up with some good ideas to help out Naeem for this series and a lot of random business just started popping up. People that have hurt me. How I think I've forgiven them. That somewhere deep inside me, the pain still lingers when I think about it. I'm going through iTunes to see if there's anything I have that would work well for Sunday and I came across Switchfoot. Oh how I love them. For anyone who's gotten an email from me in the past 2 years, you've seen the quote at the bottom, "This is your life. Are you who you want to be?" and probably have recognized it from their song (ironically) "This is Your Life." Not having listened to it in a while, it hit me again and I'm so glad that it's spurred me into further thinking.

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead.
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken.

Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes.
This is your life and today is all you've got now.
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have.

Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes.
This is your life. Are you who you want to be?
This is your life. Are you who you want to be?
This is your life.
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner.
Yesterday is dead and over.

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?
This is your life. Are you who you want to be?
This is your life.
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

Guys, don't you see? Yesterday is dead and over. Today is all we'll EVER have. Let's move on. Even if we can't forget, we need to forgive. Even if the pain can't be completely wiped away, the mistakes can be. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Don't close your eyes...This is your life!

Cliffhanger

Have you ever had one of those days when EVERYTHING went wrong? And on top of that, you felt like it was largely your fault? Even if it you know that in reality it wasn't, you can see how you definitely had much to do with the failure? As I've said before, there are 2 things that really bother me to no end and one of those is when something I try to do for good goes wrong and has the opposite effect. That's pretty much how I was feeling about the service this morning. To the average Mosaic attendee, there may have been a few glitches, but mostly a typical service. To the trained eye of the staffer...let's just say there was much to be desired. And it was frustrating. So much so that I couldn't shake the annoyance. And all this over church, mind you.

On Sunday nights we have movie night for every and anyone who wants to come hang out. Tonight we watched Maverick (my pick). It's a generally good movie, but also one that my dad likes and he and my mom just left today after visiting me for the weekend so it was a nice little reminder of family for me.

Well, there's a scene where Brett Maverick (Mel Gibson) and a couple other people are riding in this stagecoach and the driver is all of a sudden dead and the horses are careening out of control through the desert. So Maverick has to try and get up to where the driver is to stop the horses. Of course, this doesn't happen without a hitch and he ends up being dragged through the dirt, passed under the coach and hit with all of the luggage before he can manage to get on top of the coach, move the old man and jump on the bridles up to the front horses just as they are about to run right off the edge of a cliff. Being a movie, they of course stop just short of the edge, though Maverick is thrown from the place he is standing and saves himself from sudden death by catching the edge of the rocks. I'm sitting here, watching the movie, not really thinking about anything at all when Maverick says something to the people who come try to help him. As he's hanging there, he says to them,

"It's all for my benefit. To help me build character, right?"

I almost laughed out loud. Okay, Lord. I get it!! :) This is all for my benefit. The mistakes I make when I'm really only trying to help, the frustrations I feel when things aren't running smoothly, even the attitude that lingers on long after the situation is past...it's all for my benefit. To help me build character. Maybe I'll be able to remember that next time.

And if I don't, you all have permission to throw me off the edge of a cliff.

Builders of the Wall

So I'm reading Nehemiah (I know, right, who just sits down to read Nehemiah?? But I'm trying to go back and read books that I don't so much remember, so bear with me...) and an unusual chapter jumped out at me. You know how in the old testament, they really like to list the names of people? Like they honestly expect us to read all of those weird names and not just skim down the list? Well, today for some reason (I think because it was still in paragraph form rather than a list), I didn't skim the names. Let me give you a little background, from what I can gather:

There's some business going down while Nehemiah is away working for King Artaxerxes and he gets word from one of his brothers that all of the people in his hometown have been destroyed and the few that remain won't be doing so for much longer. Even better, the wall of Jerusalem (which symbolized strength in that time) was torn down. Nehemiah's all bummed out so he prays and is pretty much just like, "God, remember when you told Moses that you would be with him if he came back to you - even after disobeying your commands? Well, I know I've screwed up and so has my family, but you said that you'd be with us if we loved you and listened to you. So I need some things to happen and let's see if you're listening now." So one day Nehemiah's doing his job of giving out the wine and the King asks him why he's all bummed out. Even though he's afraid, Nehemiah (hoping he can rely on the prayer that he prayed earlier) is like, "Dude, let me give it to you straight. All hail King Art. I hope you reign forever and all that business. But how can you expect me to be all happy when my home and everyone that I know has been wiped out? Can't you please just let me go back to Judah so I can rebuild?...Oh yeah, and since you're gonna let me go, can you also write me some permission slips so that if someone tries to hurt me, I can just give them one and they'll leave me alone? That'd be great. Thanks." So Nehemiah goes back home.

Alright...here is what got me thinking!! Nehemiah goes back and looks things over, blows off some people who tried to discourage him ("The God of Heaven will give us success...") and finds some people to help him. As I was actually reading through all of the names and what they built, it hit me that these people probably had other lives, outside of being wall builders. Yet they still offered their time for the good of people in the future. And God really put the picture of us Mosaicanites in my mind as I was reading it. It's like, when they write about us (and you KNOW that they will!), instead of saying "Uzziel son of Harhaiah, one of the goldsmiths, repaired the next section; and Hananiah, one of the perfume-makers, made repairs next to that..." it'll say "Allyson, the banker, repaired the next section with Joel, the graphic designer, next to her. Down the wall were Whitley, the volunteer coordinator, and JB, one of the stylists, who were rebuilding with Pam and Jessi, the store managers. On the other end of the wall were Tonya, the teacher, and Kelly, the painter, all who were giving of the free time that they don't actually have in order that they might provide a new way to the Lord."

Guys!! Do you see what this means?! WE are the new builders of the wall. WE are the ones who are lucky enough to take time out of our already hectic schedules to put a few stones in place in order to build something that will bring more people into God's kingdom. WE are the ones who will restore the strength to God's people. Lord, you want ME to run around like a mad man, give up the things that I want to do with my day and forever sacrifice sleep just so that you can use me for whatever you want??

Heck yes. I don't know how to express how sincerely excited I am to be giving up so much for your gain, but I am SO signing my name on that list.

Where Singing Seems a Sacrifice

During worship last night, I was feeling that my life was a never-ending story; that this whole week has just run into one ridiculously long day. But then I feel guilty that I'm all worn out because my days are full of all "church" stuff...meetings, practices, investing in relationships, etc. If it's all work for the glory of the Lord, then I shouldn't need refreshing, right?? Well, that would be nice, but I've come to realize that it isn't the case. I have a hard time with taking time for myself, even when it comes to going to bed at night, and I just realized last night that it's such a necessity. If I don't take time away from the tasks and schedules and things to be done, then I'll never be able to accomplish anything because my heart will be run down and I'll have no drive to carry on. We sang this song by Hillsong last night and it really helped a lot. It's called "Rest in You." Even after practicing it all week, I still never really grasped the words until we were singing it. I guess that's what getting before the Lord is all about. He'll show you what you're otherwise missing on your own.

Your faithfulness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails.

And You calm the raging seas.
And You calm the storms in me, again.

All I know is I find rest in You.
All I know is I find rest in You.

My heart will praise throughout the night
Where singing seems a sacrifice.

And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again.

All I know is I find rest in You.
All I know is I find rest in You.

Your grace is all I need.
Your grace is all I need.

The Ghost of Valentine's Past

I was always the girl who loved Valentine's Day. I passed out grocery store valentines all through college, made sure to tell everyone that I met that they were loved and even had red high tops that I wore every year on February 14th until I outgrew them. Granted, I will admit that most of those years I also had other plans with someone who loved me later in the day. This being the 1st Valentine's Day in quite a while that I am without a boyfriend, I have not been able to avoid that slight tinge in my heart. Not for what I don't have - or even for what could have been - but just for that assurance that I am more special than anyone in the world...to just someone. I will not start calling it "Singles Awareness Day" and I will continue to wear crazy red and pink outfits and pass out heart stickers to everyone I see today, but I have a feeling that there will be many women who won't even give the day a chance to be good. Because they will wake up with the thought that they are alone and that today is a way of making them wallow in that misery. I want to leave what I think is the more appropriate thought for the day:

As women, we long to be loved in a certain way, a way unique to our femininity. We long for romance. We are wired for it; it's what makes our hearts come alive. You know that. Somewhere, down deep inside, you know this. But what you might never have known is this...

This doesn't need to wait for a man.

God longs to bring this into your life Himself.*

Yes, ladies, I will still be eating more than my fair share of chocolate (gift to myself!) today and I'm not saying that I won't have moments of "awww..." when I think about all of the women all over the world who will be showered with romance and chivalry. God put that desire uniquely in our hearts. He just wants to be the one to fill it. He will deliver your gift today. The only question is whether or not you'll recognize it.

*Taken from Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

Chasing new Thelma

For those of you who don't know, I teach 1st grade. It is one of my passions and even on the days that my kids drive my crazy, I would never want to do anything else. I think my favorite time of the day is around 1:45 in the afternoon. We are just finishing up calendar time and about ready to move into math and we always transition with a little Junie B. She is probably my most favorite person in the world. Ever. She is 5 (or 6, depending on the story) and is the favorite story character of our classroom. I started a new book this week, "Junie B. Jones is (almost) a flower girl" and just about died when I read the first chapter aloud to my kids. I've read this book before, as I read them all every year, but for some reason it really spoke to me in a different way this time. It's funny how God uses different things to grab our attention. And in this case, for me, it was Barbara Park as she writes through the voice of a 5 year old in this book. Here's what I was reading:

My name is Junie B. Jones. The B. stands for Beatrice. Except I don't like Beatrice. I just like B and that's all. I am a bachelorette. A bachelorette is when your boyfriend named Ricardo dumps you at recess. Only I wasn't actually planning on that terrible trouble.

It happened today on the playground. First I was playing horses with my friends Lucille and Grace. Then, all of a sudden, my boyfriend named Ricardo runned right past me. And he was chasing a new girl named Thelma!

"RICARDO!" I hollered real loud. "HEY! RICARDO! 'ZACTLY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, MISTER?" Then I zoomed right after thaty guy. And I tackled him on the grass. And we wrestled. And tangled. And rolled all around. Finally, I sat on his legs. And I smoothed my hair very attractive.

"Hello, Ricardo," I said. "How are you today? I am fine. Only I just saw you chasing new
Thelma. And so please knock it off. And I mean it." Ricardo raised his eyebrows very surprised. "Why? How come?" he said. I sucked in my cheeks at that guy. "Because, Ricardo. Because I am your girlfriend. And you are my boyfriend. And boyfriends and girlfriends are only allowed to chase each other. That's how come."

Ricardo kept on looking at me. I shrugged my shoulders. "Sorry. Those are just the rules," I explained. Ricardo's face turned very glum. "But I like chasing new Thelma," he said kind of whiny. "It's fun." I patted his arm very understanding. "Yes, well, I don't make the rules, Rick. I just enforce them," I said.

After that, I got off his legs. And I sat in the grass next to him. Ricardo didn't talk for a long time. Then finally, he stood up. And he shook my hand real nice. "Junie B, it's been fun being your boyfriend," he said. "But I think it's time we started chasing other people." After that, he waved good-bye. And he ran off to chase new Thelma again.

My eyes got big and wide at him. "NO, RICARDO!" I shouted. "NO, NO, NO! COME BACK! COME BACK!" But Ricardo kept right on running. I felt weakish and sickish inside. I slumped back down in the grass. Only too bad for me. Because just then, the bell rang for the end of recess. And all the children started running to the building.

But not me. I just kept sitting and sitting in the grass. My teacher called my name. Her name is Mrs. She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that's all. Finally, Mrs. came out to get me. "Junie B., honey?" she said. "Why aren't you coming in? What's the trouble?" I looked up real depressed. "Ricardo," I said real sad. "Ricardo is the trouble." After that, tears came in my eyes. And my nose started to run very much.

Mrs. closed her eyes. "Oh no. Not boy problems," she said. "Not already." After that, she gave me a tissue. And she stood me on my feet. And she walked me to Room Nine.

My kids were laughing and I was laughing as I read, but it was for different reasons. Yes, Junie B.'s language is always amusing. And the way she tells life like she sees it is always amusing. But this time there was more to it than that. I felt like God was putting me in the story and trying to tell me something.

Sometimes I feel like Junie B. Jones, and in more ways than just because I'm so naive about life. I think I tend to chase after things that I think I want or deserve and expect to get them just because. It's like, I want what I want and there needs to be no explanation about it. I wish that life were a certain way and I will chase down and wrestle my ideas, sitting on their legs and then calmly smooth out my hair and explain very nicely that that's just how it has to be. "I don't make the rules, Rick. I just enforce them." Then when things don't work out that way and I get a wake up call that - regardless of the way I see things - the reality of life is very much different, it makes me feel sickish inside and I don't know how to handle it. Everyone else is running on with life as it truly is and I just sit in the grass for a while and wait for someone to stand me up and hand me a tissue.

I think that God wants us to rely on Him more in the day to day things of life. He wants us to trust Him and know that this life will have complications and things of this world will take us by surprise. But I think that He also knows we aren't perfect. I don't really think He expects it of us. And when we have our days where the world as we see it is turned completely upside down, it's hard. Maybe our pride is broken. Maybe someone we trusted hurt us. Maybe we realize that there are people in this world who aren't quite ready for the whole "us" as we are. No matter what it is that causes us to sit down in the grass and and cry, God will always be there for us. He'll call after us by name and if we still can't get up on our own, He'll do it for us. He'll give us a tissue and ask us what the trouble is and help us walk back to the real world, still going on.

A Blessing in my Life

I just have to say that I love Jessi. If you don't know this girl, you should. She has a beautiful heart and is always full of encouragement for me. She's simply wonderful! :)

Misunderstood

Disclaimer: This blog offers thoughts and opinions strictly from my own head for the purpose of discussing, connecting and basic sharing of what's on my heart. It is not the intention of this blog to offend any race, culture, religion, gender or...anyone, for that matter. Please be advised that the ideas expressed herein do not represent all women, people in Charlotte or brunette girls named Kristin.

How does that saying go??


I'm a work in progress, so please be patient.

God's not finished with me yet...

My crazy relationship

I definitely have a love/hate relationship with my gym. Love the results when I'm actually going, but hate the way I'm too sore to do anything after not being there for a few weeks. If it's not one thing (parent conferences, after school meetings), it's another (having strep throat, being on prescription meds for like a month) and I feel like I can never go consistently. So I can't get to that point where I'm able to run my brains out for an hour (ha...I'm drenched after only 30 minutes of a steady run at this point) or where I can actually lift day after day. My muscles are in such shock after just one day of being worked that when I even try get of bed in the morning they're like, "Jigga what!?" and plead their point of not going for day 2 by cramping up on me. Nice, guys. Thanks.

I guess I probably shouldn't have gone today since I'm still under the influence of strep, however, I am to the point of no return! I am done waiting to be "healthy" before going back (or I may never make it!) and I am challenging my immune system. What up! I ran and lifted today and I am DETERMINED to go tomorrow...even if that means going at like 8:00 once I finally get home from meetings and such. This is day 1 of a new phase. The phase called, well, "Going back to the gym" I suppose... At least, until I realize I can't do it without sleep. Ha! Stay tuned. I'll need the encouragement so I don't give up!! This is something that I truly want to do!

The Damage

I'm walking out the door to leave for church on Sunday as my phone rings...someone inquiring to where I was. Not wanting to be a disappointment via my lateness, I hang up the phone as I'm closing my door and starting the car. I throw my stuff in the passenger seat and set off for church, which takes me literally less than 2 minutes as it is a mile up the road. Being 6:58 in the morning, it is still rather dark, but peaceful. That is, until I turn the large curve around the road to find not one, or two, but entire family of deer running across the road at that very moment. Slamming on the brakes, I miss the first two and notice that the third has stopped to watch me as if my only reason for being on the road this early is for his entertainment. Swerving across the road and into the other lane, I do all that I can to avoid him. However, the next thing I know, he is not only in the grill of my car, but rolling up the hood, up the windshield and flying through the air. When I look again, he is on the side of the road. Motionless. Not knowing what to do, I sit for a moment, white knuckled at the wheel. I then get out of the car slowly, half expecting the deer by the side of the road to get up and come back at me, where I walk around to see the damage. Ouch. My poor little car, Flirty McGerty as she is so affectionately referred, has a broken smile and then some.

To make a long story short, I called the cops and went back to the scene of the crime after church. My poor friend was still laying there, just as he had after he flew from my car. The funny thing is - and I didn't realize this until many hours later - that gravity and forces of motion had no effect on me. I very clearly remember seeing my purse go flying from the seat next to me as I slammed on my brakes and I thought, "Hmm. That's funny," because my back never left my seat. I didn't so much as lean forward when we hit. It may not seem like much to some people, but God definitely had His hand on me that day. It was by his grace alone that not only did I stay perfectly unharmed in my seat, but that the damage wasn't worse, as it probably should have been. Funny that it takes odd situations like this to realize my worth, but I think God's keeping me around for something...